Life Of A Jersey Girl
~Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Living With Bipolar Disorder
..Up, Up, Up. Well, maybe not so lucky. "UP" comes with a whole slew of its's own issues. Up brings with it a lack of sleep, reckless behavior and anxiety are the big ones for me. When I'm hypomanic, I never feel comfortable. My clothes don't feel good on my skin, my body hurts to sit or lay and being still is not an option, that makes me feel trapped.
How am I dealing with this? Well, I am relying on my husband. I am relying on him to tell me it's bedtime and time to eat. He also keeps me from making those all too reckless moves. I am fortunate that my hypomanic period is happening while my husband & I are on vacation celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary so I am rarely alone to make reckless decisions.
I am sure there are people that cannot understand being an adult and needing to rely on someone else to keep you in check but it happens to me and I am thankful I have a great support system that will call me out on my behavior and step in to keep me in check. Without them who knows where I'd end up...jail, mental hospital, oh wait, I did that. But honestly, had I listened to my family, I probably would not have landed myself in either of those places.
Relying on other people isn't easy, especially for this Jersey Girl! I want to do it all alone and I ALWAYS know best. Haha. Honestly, it's not easy and I am not always willing to listen but I try because I know I've chosen a great support team that wants me to be well, to be the best me I can be and i love them for it. I know they get frustrated and angry when then have to step in and take care of me but they do it. I am so thankful. I am so fortunate.
If you are living with bipolar disorder, find a support system, it will be the most important part of your maintenance. With them you will use your medicine better, you will go to therapy more, you will eat and sleep better, you will live better. Not everyone can or will stand by and be part of your team but those that do, love you more than you can imagine and want you to be well, even when it doesn't feel that way.
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Six Years Later...
The sadness, hurt and anger I feel on this day doesn't leave from year to year. The pain I felt on April 17, 2013 has derailed my life. Grief has consumed me, it has made it impossible for me to make good decisions, and makes me unable to see when I make bad ones. I've lost time with my family because I cannot see past my grief. I still just find myself so sad most days, which is a huge improvement over EVERYDAY but still isn't where I need or want to be. I know I need to find a way to move past my grief. I need to work on being mentally healthy. My father would really not have been happy with this pity- party I've been throwing for 6 years now! While flattered at first, by 2 or 3 months he would have said move on. When years 3 and 4 came around, and my life was really hitting rock-bottom, he would have been angry. He would tell me now that I need to stop. I need to pull my life together and stop wasting time grieving over him. Especially since he did not think himself worthy of this kind of wallowing and grieving :)
Today I am going to do my best to move past the tears and see the life ahead of me. And when I wake up on April 18, 2019, I am going to work to live for more than another year passing since my father died. I am going to live for me! I am going to live for my husband & children. I am going to think of a happy moment everytime a sad one creeps in. This year I'm going to do it.
I love you dad and I will never stop but no more tears! Forward I go.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
It's A Struggle For Sure
The question "who are you?" has become akin to nails on a chalkboard for me. In my mind the answer is depressingly easy, "I am a felon".
That's correct, I have spent 44 years on this earth, 11mos of it in jail, and the first answer that pops into my head, every time is, "I'm a felon". I went to my child's Eagle Scout ceremony and as I introduced myself to people, I nearly said "Hi I'm Emily, the felon" not mother of the child, not wife, not mother of 3, nope just felon.
So last night my husband, being particularly attentive and understanding, listened to me introduce myself as Emily, the felon. Then he looked at me and said name 8 things that have happened in the past 8 years that have greatly and you'd say negatively have happened. I looked at him unamused and ask why, he responded, humor me. So I did.
My List:
My father died
I destroyed my husband's trust in me
I ruined my family's finances
I tried to kill myself
I trusted and did for the wrong people
I caused my family to feel unsafe in their home
I lost a year of time with my husband and monsters
I hurt my family
Those are the top 8 things I've lived through the past 8 years. With that list my husband asked me where being a felon was. I said not in my top 8, it's just who I am. He said, "on that list where is going to jail, being poisoned & tortured?" I answer, Not in my top 8. Then he looked at me, as I sobbed, and asked "then why do you see yourself first and only as a felon?" So I cried, ugly, sobbing cries as he went over my list of 8 again and said, "Emily is a daughter, a mother, a wife, a protector, a lover, a loyal friend". Of course I decided he didn't have to sleep on the couch last night as I continued to sob ;-)
The point that I need to share and need to get out is that for weeks, months I've been slipping further and further into a depression and the further I fall the brighter my scarlet "F" gets until it's donned some lights and started flashing! Can I make my "F" go away? No. But what I can do and am working to do is take the lights down or at least dim them.
It's a bump in my road. If it wasn't the felony it would have been something else, that's the bigger point. When you live with Bipolar disorder and depression, there is always going to be a letter on your chest and the majority of the time it's put there by you! That IS the disorder! How can your brain play tricks on you. And it's so easy to slip into depression. It's so easy to believe all the negative.
The other thing I'd like to share is that sharing isn't just hard because of the people that don't understand or "believe" mental illness, it's hard because mental illness is so individualized and the topic is so sensitive that sometimes when I share people, trying to be supportive don't really understand me and my illness. The best way to help someone with a mental illness is to make sure that they know how to find help when/if they want it. For me that looks like a very, very small support system of family, a friend, okay two and doctors. They are people I see, talk to and trust everyday. Don't read too much into my social media posts if they haven't. Sometimes I just have words I need to get out!
I'm going to end by saying, I'm struggling right now. I am working through it. I have awesome support.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
So Much Hate!
Anger and hatred, it's just everywhere! I have 3 teenagers and trying to build a positive, happy and service-centered life feels impossible. There is hate all over the news, on social media, the kids school at WalMart! It's everywhere. The reason this has really come to a head for me is that this hate, this ugliness, this lack of acceptance starts with our President! It starts at the very top! When you have the kind of Hate in your heart that the President of the United States has and shares with the world, it's no wonder it trickles down.
This hate and lack of acceptance has spread like wildfire. People seem to have no ability to have civil conversations with a person with differing views. No, we have hate rallies and protests. What are folks protesting? Race, religion, sexuality. Sure there is plenty more people are hating but race, religion and sexuality seem to make the list at least weekly.
It's 2019, how are we still hating and fighting about race? You are aware that the color of one's skin is a) not something a person chooses b) is simply an external difference, everything inside is the same no matter the color of your skin c) makes the world a beautiful place.
Next, let me tell you how over religious hate I am. As a Christian, my first goal is to live "Christ-like". What does that mean to me? It means to love and serve others. Nowhere does Christ preach to hate people that are a different race or for who they love or for any reason! CHRISTIANS!!! JESUS DOES NOT PREACH HATE! No matter how or what you read or are taught in your church, I promise you he is not for hate! I challenge you to find a teaching that says otherwise. Love thy neighbor, serve your neighbor *unless they are a different race?* *Unless the believe in a different God?* *Because they are attracted to someone of the same sex?* Show me these verses in your Bibles because they aren't in mine.
Lastly, I cannot understand the hate for the LBGTQ community. Understand and stop lying about it because these folks aren't out recruiting your children or any children. In fact, they spend the majority of their time hiding who they are and from people so they aren't physically harmed or mentally, emotionally tortured. They often hide themselves into depression and even suicide. And you know what, each one of those suicides is on the hands of all of you that hate and Bully and shame the LBGT community. That hate kills people.
The lack of acceptance, the hate, the anger, it leads to too many deaths. Too many lives gone too soon and for nothing more than fear and ignorance of people just wanting to live their lives like you! My kids deserve more, your kids deserve more, we owe it to ourselves to stand up to hate. To break the streak of anger. Smile, say hello, stand up when you see bullying, when you see racism. Different DOESN'T mean bad, wrong; it simply means not the same. Think about it. Be positive! End Hate.
Monday, January 28, 2019
The First Twenty-Four Hours
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Real Life Depression
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Chasing My Tail
Lately, I found myself in a nasty cycle of pain, depression, loneliness, pain, depression, loneliness, pain... well, you get it. My pain is mainly caused by my fibromyalgia, which helps open the door for depression (which I'm prone to anyway) and that to loneliness ( because when you feel that terrible being with people is not at the top of the list) and so depression circles back around. You know you've been withdrawn when even Facebook friends start asking where you've been :) I thank everyone of you for that! However, it doesn't motivate me to interact more or shake my depression, mostly it makes me feel guilty. Guilty because my life is good. It's So good. It's not perfect but whose life is?
What I do have and will be grateful for is waking up every morning with the opportunity to try. I know that every morning I wake up to my husband and monsters is a gift. A gift from God that no matter my daily struggles there is more for me to do. It's a gift that tells me that my pain is not too much to bare, that my depression is not too dark to find the light and that my loneliness is not real because God is always with me.
That knowledge, that faith grows for me daily, even when my skin bleeds from being scratched all night or when my tears blind me and even when I lie in bed wishing for someone to talk to, I know through that struggle and that pain that there is someone there. Someone that loves me, someone that has a plan for me even when I cannot see it. Faith does not come easily for me and there are many days I need help remembering I'm not alone and I do not need to face my burden alone because of that, I am so thankful, grateful for the scriptures and for the fellowship of my church brothers and sisters. And everyday I know how fortunate I am for a God willing to do this with me over and over again.
I have favourite Hymn at church and every time I hear it I am reminded of all that is given and done for me every day, Here is a link to listen to the hymn and also the words
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DZzjy2UAe6Rk&ved=2ahUKEwi1z6rmrcfdAhUOfH0KHabbC58QjjgwCnoECAUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3NwCqTN6gmn5ifOVEc-x-x
1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!