Hard To Believe

Because I caved to peer & spouse pressure, the monsters are enrolled in CCD this year. And because I feel that if you are going to be "in" you need to do it with both feet, we follow Saturday CCD classes with weekly mass. Yes, I know how many times I have questioned and bashed organized religion, but I do believe that some religious education is good and will help open the monsters mind to the concept; once they are old enough I will hope and encourage them to follow what they believe and keep looking until they find it. For now, we are back at in the Catholic Church, mainly because that is what I was raised and therefore what I know and am comfortable with.

Anyway, on to my story. Yesterday at mass, I had a "moment" where the words from Father Bob's sermon spoke to me. His sermon was about how the catholic church is not keeping-up and changing with the times, but that was not what got me. What got me was a question that Father Bob asked, one that he had been asked at a Friars conference a week earlier, the question "Do you find joy in what you do?". He went on to explain the question in more depth explaining that "joy" did not mean everyday was good, but ultimately through good and bad, is their joy in what you do? That question really struck something in me and as he spoke I asked myself, "Do you joy in what you do?" and without question, I answered "yes". Yes, I do find joy as a wife and mother. And yes, there are good times and bad, but never do I regret the path my life has taken.

Now, I know that the intention of the question was to ask ourselves to evaluate our Catholicism, but I am still questioning that:) Nevertheless, I took that question and answered it and it gave me peace and clarity. Reminding me that "joy" is so much bigger than a single moment of good or bad, it is a collection of moments and how you see them and what you do with them that makes it.

I have joy in my life, thanks to great friends, a wonderful family and three monsters & a husband who share it with me.

THE END.

I cannot always see "The End". I have a bad habit of driving things to hard, pushing longer than I need to...ya know, beating a dead horse:) Tonight I am not going to do that. Tonight, I am going to let it be "The End" and I feel good with that. I thought I was going to want more, to need more, but I don't.

I wish I could say with certainty that this is a sign for my future and that I am finally "growing-up", but I cannot be sure that is the case:) What I know is that I have stood firmly upon my morals and that is enough for me. Tomorrow I will leave my house, head held high, feeling superior to no one, but true to myself.

Thinking It Through

I love to over-analyze things, all things. The tone of voice someone speaks to me in, how long my children will be traumatized because I yelled, what I can do to be a better wife, daughter, sister and mother, what my dreams "mean", down to what the meaning of "is" is( which I truly did yesterday:). What I am wondering is, does this continual exercise of analyzation is more helpful or hurtful? I know there are plenty of people in my life that see this as useless or self destructive, but I cannot seem to agree or stop. I hate surprises. I mean HATE THEM!!! So, for me, when I analyze things before, after and durning their occurrence, I feel that it cuts down on any "surprises" in my life and I think i I like that. However, if I am being honest, I am not sure I have ever lived another way. Even as a child it was a rare instant when I would do something without thinging it through and weighing it all out.

I wonder if it is possible to just "let go" and see what life holds? Do people really live that way? Are there really people who get up in the morning and have not played their day out in their head before it starts? And how does one do that? I wonder if I stopped analyzing and started living if my like would see less stress? Maybe it is worth giving it a try. Going with the flow, enjoying what I am given and not about what could have been or how it could have been better. Just Keep Living! Enjoy each moment I have for what they are. Live them and move onto the next.

I think I may try to give this a shot. Live in the moment. Enjoy what I have while I have it! I know it will be worth it!

Recurring Dreams

Last night I had one of my recurring dreams. I think I have had this one about a half dozen times over the past 2 years, but for some reason it has been really bothering me all day. Even pushing me as far as using google to be sure the event did not EVER occur!

So, the dream. I am on a huge KLM airplane with my husband and two oldest monsters, they are about 2/3 years old. The plane has a few levels to it and we are flying into Newark Airport. We are about to land and something goes wrong and the plane ends up on the Turnpike about to go through the toll booth at the Lincoln Tunnel. Well, of course this HUGE plane cannot fit through, but it does not rip the toll booth down, instead the top of the plane is cut off by the toll booth and then wedged into the opening for the tunnel. Insane I know, but it gets more bizarre. Thankfully, me and the family are alive and seemingly well, but we are stuck on this half-a-plane forever while a plan is devised for our rescue. So while I sit there I call my parents and in laws to say we are okay, but my next call is to the mother of my childhood best friend. Odd? I would say so, it is not as if we chat regularly:) I call her and she asks if I knew that her daughter was on the plane and could I find her. I did find her, she was under the plane in cargo, but safe. Not sure how I found her, because I am not sure I ever left my seat. However after three days, small planes came to rescue us and we just climbed in them from our old plane. Then in the blink of an eye we were landing at Newark like nothing ever happened.

Feel free to interpret my dream for me and get back to me on the meaning:) Or just read this and laugh out loud at the fact that my subconscience is just as nutty as my conscience:)

The Good & Bad of Watching the News ALL Day

Because I cannot pull myself away from the Chilean Miners, I have had the news on all day. I started with the local NBC station, then switched to Good Morning American and once the local channels moved onto regular programming, I switched over to Fox News. I sat and watched Fox News pretty happily until the political talk got strong and I decided to switch over to CNN to see the " other side" of the political coin. What I have decided is that the United States needs some new blood in political office. People that might be willing to listen to what people really want and need. What has been crazy is that I keep hearing on the news that politicians, on both sides, are doing what is best for us. I think it is really great that they know better what we need than we do.

Let me tell you what I don't need. Democrats, I do not need my taxes to be raised. And by doing nothing to extend the Bush tax cuts, my taxes will go back to where they were...TAX INCREASE! And we made under 250000 a year. So, even if you do not raise my taxes higher than they were before the Bush Taxes Cuts, it will still be raising my by not continuing the current rates! And Republicans, I do not want gays to be banned from serving in the military. If some one would like to serve their/my country, I am happy to have them. A HERO is a HERO, I really don't care who they sleep with when they go home and I am not sure why anyone else does! Although, I do wish the Great President Obama would man-up and embrace the end of don't ask don't tell. He sure has not done much to further the cause of equal rights for gays as president.

So, come January, my husband's paycheck will be less because of an expiration of the Bush Tax Cuts and an increase in my health premiums and just like most people their will be little to no cost of living increase to keep this even. Boy, I cannot wait! That should really help the economy and bring down the 9.5 % unemployment rate!!!! Listen politicians, what would be nice is if we could all pay our bills and that everyone that wants a job could have one. I want to vote for that candidate!!!!! Send 'em to me!

The Time Has Come, Gone and is Now Back!

I need to get my act together and start taking care of myself. Yesterday I went to the doctor for an infection that I knew I had for about 3 weeks but continued to blow-off. The doctor sent me off with 2 different antibiotics and 2 different pain pills and told me I was lucky not to be in Hospital. And while I am I. A lot of pain the point here is that I just blew it off. For no good reason! There was no reason that I coiled not go to the doctor 3 weeks ago, but I didn't, I just waited and waited until my pain was so horrible and my infection so bad that I could not move and my entire body was affected.

This cannot happen anymore. I need to start taking care of myself so that I can take care of my family. I will start with fighting off this infection, but then I need to move on to eating better and exercise. By doing that, I know I will stay healthier and feel better. I also know that this is not the first time I have tried to take better care of myself, but I am going to hope and try to make this one better than the others.

By Tuesday morning when I drop off the monsters I will have a plan for my days that will include exercise and meditation. I really want to make this work this time, but I guess we will see if it happens:) I will keep you posted!

To The Beat of My Own Drum.

That's what I do, walk to the beat of my very own drum and I think it is safe to say that I have always done so. What I am learning as my life experiences grow, aka I get old, is that very few people understand or appreciate this quality:) I will admit that to someone looking in, it could appear that I am simply a non-conformist, simply to not conform, but that is not the case. I am a non-conformist because I refuse to follow blindly to anything and "because I said so" whether from my mother or society is just not a sound enough reason for me. It is not that I strive to "be different", I just don't NEED to be like anyone else. I want to believe and agree with the people I follow or the ideas I embrace. When somebody asks me "why", I want to have an answer based on something more than "because my mother said" or "the Bible says so", I want to see and believe it for myself.

Not everybody understands this, okay few do, and that is fine. I get that it is hard to understand why someone would just buck the system when there seems no really harm in following, but to me the harm is in "just following" and I want my children to understand that. Those are my values, "believe and understand, that which you conform to" and choose carefully!

There are things that my children "conform" to that drive me insane! Most of them come at school, but through the help of my husband I do understand that as children then need to "fit-in" sometimes and conform. And I try (and my god is it hard!)to let these things slide by without throwing my two-cents in, but sometimes I cannot stop myself from sharing:)

Sharing my values with my children is a privilege I have been given as their mother and primary caregiver, just as any other mother. Because my values my seem "different" and non-conforming does not make them wrong or unwilling to be shared. I welcome my monsters to think for themselves and form their own beliefs. I want them to WANT the things in which they believe, not do/believe because I do or someone else does.

See, my non-conformists ways are not so scary:) It is not like I am a Democrat or something;-)

Oh My!!!!

Seems like it has been forever since I have posted. I have been BUSY! School for me, school for the kids, family visits and life have been keeping me busy. Amazing to think that I thought I was going to have nothing to do with all three monsters in school all day. I no longer fear that:).

This week I handed in my final papers for my course and have the weekend off before my next one starts, so I am hoping to catch up on some sleep and enjoy my baby boy's 9th birthday!

Next week I am going to schedule in sometime to enjoy some of the election news, you all know how I love campaign season! I will be sure to let you all know what I am thinking especially regarding the departure of Mr. Emmanuel, I hope he knows he can call me if he needs help packing to go home:)