July 6th?

It is hard to believe that I have not blogged since July 6th! I know that it is NOT because I have nothing to say:) I have not been putting in the time to blog and my writing in other areas is suffering because of it. Blogging everyday, even when it was about "nothing" kept my mind moving in a writing way. Without it I am struggling to put school papers together and even simple emails. I think it is time to throw blogging back on the "to do" list.

So, today is Day 1 and this is my post.

Hiding? Me?

Yes, I have been hiding from my blog, I started feeling uncomfortable putting my "junk" out in the world. Lucky for all of you I have come to these conclusions 1) Blogging really helps me release some of the junk in my head 2) I like when people read it and 3) my life is just to dang interesting to deprive y'all any longer:) So, I will just jump back in like I never left. Life is BUSY around here. Baseball games, softball games 4th grade, 3rd grade, 1st grade, vacations including the husbands current one at the local hospital. Life is busy. Life is busy but I am calm. The past several weeks as brought an amazing sense of calm to my life. Internal peace. I have not mentioned it much for fear of jinxing it I guess, but it seems to be sticking around! I hope this means that I have found what I have been looking for...balance. Surely with all I have going on this week will be the test!

Testing.

I am trying to disconnect my blog from my facebook page, but I am not having much luck. Iʻm finding that I am not finding blogging as freeing as I did before I knew who was reading it. So, here I am trying to see if I have disconnected:)

Maybe Itʻs Working

For months I have been actively searching for ways to cope with the stress in my life. Yeah, Iʻm the kinda person that stresses about EVERYTHING! You name it, I stress over it. It is crazy and unhealthy, but yesterday was a great test for my stress-reduction methods and it seems to be working.

Yesterday I had so many of my regular stressors thrown at me and I was fine. I never had an anxiety attack, didnʻt loose a bit of sleep and never even got angry. I easily processed all the information I was given and then let-it-go. It was an amazing feeling. Normally, I would have "talked" this all to death and over analyzed it. I would have kept the husband up half the night listening to me work through it all, but instead I was asleep by 10 and slept peacefully through until 7am:)

I am not sure if this is the wave of the future, but I hope so. It was/is an incredible feeling to recognize, process and release stress from my life. Committed meditation & Tia-Chi maybe the answer for me!

Today is gonna be a good day...even if I have to see the meanest doctor ever:)

Trying To Get The Word Out!

Stafford County, VA...

Their is a Special Education Parent Teacher Association(SEPTA) Forming NOW!!!!

If you are a Parent or Teacher in the county and would like more information on this Group or would like to join, please come to the organizational meeting next week.



YOUʻRE INVITED!!!!

What: Organizational Meeting for SEPTA

DATE: Tuesday July 26

PLACE: Austin Ridge Community Center

TIME: 7:00pm

Home, in Virginia.

Ben, the monsters & I spent the past five days in New Jersey where we both grew-up. It was a our annual "summer trip" to the Jersey Shore to visit the family we both have left in the area. We stayed with my in-laws who were more than accommodating, as we once again successfully destroyed their clean & peaceful home. We do preform this same ritual when we head to Florida and stay with my parents. We destroy & disrupt these houses. And we do this because these are no longer OUR HOMES, this is not where we live. So when we come to town it means we not only visit our parents, but all the extended family we have too!!! And this usually occurs at the host parentʻs home:)

Let me explain. Until very recently, I viewed where my parents lived as "home". It didnʻt matter that my parents moved from NJ to FL or that Benʻs parents didnʻt live in the same house in NJ "home" was the house our parents were living in. I donʻt feel this way anymore. Now, home is Virginia. Home is "The Nut House" where I live with MY FAMILY, with Ben, the monsters, our pups and even our fish:) Home is where the mess gets made and WE have to clean it up. The place that extended family comes to visit us. Where the monsters go to school & where we belong to the community.

New Jersey isnʻt home anymore, it is the place where I grew up. Itʻs a place my family travels to visit our extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. Just like Florida isnʻt my home, it is my parents home, where we again go to visit our extended family. Our home is in Virginia.

It is a curious feeling to call Virginia Home and an incredible realization that your parents & siblings are now extended family, instead of immediate. It seems odd that Ben & I have lived in the DC metro area for 16 years, our monsters are 9,8 & 6 and I am just now recognizing these changes. I think I have been toying with these thoughts and emotions for sometime, but part of me thought that if I never said(or wrote) it out-loud, some how it wasnʻt real. However, now by making this acknowledgement it means that I am take the final step into adulthood.

I am Home, in Virginia with my family.

I Missed That Lesson!

I have three monsters. Declan is 9, Killi 8 & Margaret, the "baby" is 6. And as the "baby" and at six, she is and has always been treated like the "baby". Sure, plenty of people tried to warn me of the pitfalls of this action. Hell, I lived it with my brother who is 5 yrs younger than my sister and 7 yrs younger than me. I know what this looks like clingy, spoiled, mean-to-everyone MONSTER!!!! I used the phrase "just let her have/do/see it just to shut her up, more than I ever imagined it could be used. So, given the fact that I recognize that I have done this one must assume that I would NOT make this mistake again, but...I HAVE!!!!

Pepe, Killiʻs(my) sweet little puppy has now become my second Maggie. He pushes the kids away when they try to love my. He steals toys from Gus and the monsters. And just as we broke Marg from crying at the door when I leave, Pepe now sits at the door and barks and cries when I leave him at home with Ben and the monsters. Itʻs crazy!

The other night I went out and when I got home it was reported to me that Pepe cried for the entire 3 hours I was gone. He also fought with Declan about going to bed(he sleeps in his crate next to me:) Once in the crate, no one could sleep because he barked and whined until I walked in the door.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET THIS HAPPEN TWICE!!! I said after my brother I was NOT going to do this and now I have not done it once, but I have done it TWICE!!!!! Do you think their is a class I can sign myself and the "babies" up for to break this forever? I wonder it Declan, Killi & Gus wish they were the "babies"? And if my brother has not grown-out of being the "baby" at 29, is there any hope that I can break the 6 yr old monster and 9 month old puppy? For the monster I can at least say that she is well mannered and behaved in public for the most part, maybe that should be my goal for the puppy:)

This I have learned, I will bring no more babies human or other animal, into the mix here. No more until this lesson is learned!

Or maybe I should just project all my "babying traits" on to sweet Baby Marshall...Vicky would LOVE that, Duncan & Z too!LOL!

Itʻs Been Too Long.

I have not blogged in some time and trust me, it is NOT because I cannot find things to write about:) I have been hesitant to blog sometimes with all my posts going directly to FB. I stop and think all to often if I REALLY want EVERYONE to see my thoughts, but now I have decided that people donʻt have to read my blog if they donʻt want to and how many people from FB take the time to hope over and read it. With that said, I am going to try to get back to blogging regularly since it relieves some of my stress to bitch "out loud".

The school year is 5 days away from being over and I am both happy and sad about this. I am so happy not having to get up and be somewhere in the morning, but I also donʻt want to waste the summer away sitting at the pool and sleeping in. I want to be disciplined enough to have the kids read some books and continue learning their sight words, but structure, discipline and follow through are NOT my strongest areas:)

I am pretty much a quitter. When things get tough or require some effort, I really have no desire to do them anymore. This, I know is an awful trait that I need to find a way to change. I wonder what other people have inside of them that makes them so devoted and willing to work so hard and why I donʻt. I try to remember before I started taking meds if I had that drive, sometimes I even stop taking them to see if that is it, but that never ends well;) I wonder if it is because I have never been pushed hard enough or needed to work for what I needed or really for what I want. Whatever the reason, I want to change it. I want to "want" enough to follow through, to work hard, to put my all into something, I just donʻt know how to get started.

The Worst Part of Nats Baseball-

Baseball is my favorite sport to watch in person, really anywhere; but I really enjoy going to baseball games. I enjoy to baseball games and watching the game. I like to be in my sit when the first pitch is thrown and do my best to stay there until the last pitch crosses the plate. Well, fans here in DC, do not enjoy baseball that way or any other sport. They ALWAYS arrive late! For football it is the middle to end of the 1st quarter, basketball is the same so it is not surprising that baseball fans(a term I hesitate to use) do not arrive until somewhere between the 1st and 3rd innings. That however is not the biggest issue with these "fans". My biggest issue, is that they come and go during the inning.

You heard me correctly, they not only come late to the game, but they walk to their seats right in the middle of an at-bat. Thatʻs right, imagine if you will, the count is 3-2, bases-loaded with 2 outs, hereʻs the wind-up and...And you donʻt know anymore because some sport-ignorant jackasses, decided it is a good time to take their seats right at that moment. And NO my Jersey friends, I am not making this up and NO this is not a once-a-game thing.

Last night, after missing several critical plays, I had beer spilled down my back(in the middle of an inning) and I decided it was time, after 6 seasons of baseball in DC, that these "fans" learn basic "baseball manners". I turned to the 4 idiots trying get seated and spilling beer on me and lost it. I yelled, I cursed and I explained how this would play out in the Bronx- and I am happy to report that this did make some all-be-it not enough, progress in my attempts to teach "baseball manners" to Nats Fans.

What I just donʻt understand is how these "fans" just donʻt see how rude it is to come/go or stand and chat in the middle of play. And if it that they are really so ignorant not to know understand common-fan behavior, it is time for the Nationals to convey these to their fans, for their own safety. Because if the Nats ever gain a real following and their fans were to travel to other ballparks to support them, they would end up getting their asses kicked! Honestly, imagine acting this way at a Mets or Yankee game, a Phillies or Red Sox Game- Maybe thatʻs what they need to understand Baseball etiquette, a fieldtrip to Citi Field to see Their Washington Nationals take on The NY Mets:) Bet they would become fast learners!!!!

A Long Time Coming.

I have always claimed not to care what others thought of me, what I have to come to understand as I have gotten older is that it is not an entirely true statement. I have spent the past few weeks deep in self-evaluation and reflection and to say that I was disappointed in what I saw would be an understatement. A weak, self-doubting, insecure, depressed lamb following a huge herd of sheep, that is what I had become. A person so wrapped up in what others thought of me that I changed me and the changes were not ones that were in the best interest of my family.

Here is what I know, I want people to like and respect me, but as I am and if I need to "change" or "conform" for people to like me, then they really donʻt like me do they? And itʻs okay for people not to like me, there are plenty of people that I donʻt like. What I refuse to do anymore is play games. Games of make believe and fairytale are NOT who I am, and I have never been. I like the "tell it as it is" kind of world where there are winners and losers and not everybody gets a trophy. A place of respect and consideration, not fake friendships in a Stepford world.

Another thing I know is that when people that have been in your life for 20+ years start questioning who you are and comment on how much youʻve changed, it is time to reflect and understand what you have changed for. And not all changes are bad, but mine were bad for me. The changes in me were bad because I began to abandon myself, my core beliefs and values. For the first time in my life I had become a "Nobody", Jane Doe, with few opinions and indecisive. I had gotten so beaten down that I could barely have a political conversation and hold my ground, forget the big things like parenting decisions. Hell, I have become so passive aggressive that my daughter has lost an entire year of school because I have been too weak to fight for her! Itʻs amazing that Ben has not had me committed yet, I donʻt think he has ever gotten to make as many parenting decisions as he has these past few months. I have even begun calling him at work when the kids are sick to see if it is okay that they stay home, WTF???? And yes, that is usually his response when I call and ask him:)

Now I think I am ready to regain my spirit, myself. Armed with the best sleep I have had in years over the past two weeks, I am ready. I am ready to step outside with my head held high, my convictions to stand on and a better understanding of myself. I am now back on MY track instead of the one most traveled. I have refocused in the right direction, my husband and monsters and the life I want for them. The family that Ben & I want to have. And if that is similar to other people thatʻs fine and if it is completely different, that is fine too.

When the Stars Align.

Do you ever have a day that you really, really want everything to go smoothly, but you know the odds are NOT on your side? That was my day today.

Last week Ben and I decided that we would head to our first baseball game as a family this season. Last year we had partial season tickets for the entire family, which didnʻt work out so well with the girls. They HATED sitting through the games. They were always bored or it was too hot or too cold, so I spent most games walking around the park with them trying to keep them entertained. Because of that, Ben and I decided that this season we would just get two seats and he and Declan would go to most of the games and we would just buy extra tickets for the few games we could force the girls into(they have Friday Night Fireworks, so sometimes that will hook them:) Anyway, today was the big day, our first game of the season all together and all the stars aligned for us when we were prepared for the worst and it was awesome!

The list of things to worry about was long. First, the weather, you can never be sure how thatʻs going to play out for you. We got a HUGE win on that front! After awful storms yesterday, today had not a cloud in the sky, but it wasnʻt too hot to sit in the sun, it was a perfect 68 degrees with a light breeze. Next we had the issue of facing not one, but two games with three kids. With yesterdayʻs game rained-out, they decided to play two today. Ben and I were sure we had no chance of making it through 1 full game, 2 was laughable. To our utter amazement, all three monsters not only made it through 2 full games, but not one asked "how much longer". Now, I am not going to lie, we did bribe they with the Build-a-Bear at the stadium between games 1 & 2, but even after building their mascot, they were still prefect through the entire 2nd game! Also, they only asked for lunch [which we had planned on buying with our $100.00 FREE Nat Bucks Ben got as a season ticket holder] and we treated them to ice cream in between games. 8 hours we spent in that stadium today and for almost 7 of them, my monsters sat in there seats, well behaved and watched baseball!!! I just donʻt think I can stress how rare an event this is! I got to watch baseball! I even got to take some pictures!

Because the day wasnʻt perfect enough, we had some "extra treats" thrown in. The kids got baseballs signed by Drew Storen and Wilson Ramos, Benʻs wonderful friend from work, sat with us for the second game and happily interacted with the kids, even giving Killi the t-shirt he caught in the "shirt toss" and the Nats won BOTH games, which was probably the least likely event to have occurred today:)

Right now I am so overwhelmed with happiness over my perfect day. It was just one of those days that could never be planned, they just happen. I wish I could bottle this feeling to use over and over again! Such peace and calm, I have recreated my Hawaiian state of mind:)

Turning Towards The East.

For sometime now I have been interested in exploring Eastern Religions and have most strongly been drawn to Buddhism. I suspect Buddhism has called the loudest as it seems the most easily accessible in my geographic area and online.

The appeal of Buddhism for me comes mostly in the "common sense" feel of the it. While I understand the journey in Buddhism is a life long one and I have barely begun to touch on more than the outer layers, what I have ventured into has been very centering and fulfilling for me. For the first time in a religion I read and truly feel that I understand what I am reading. I may not be able to achieve the goal within a lesson, but I understand the lesson. I understand what I am supposed to do. I know that there is a good chance that I could spend the rest of my life trying to move my mind to a higher level of thought and understand and not get there, but I want to try.

I want to feel the comfort, peace and security I felt when we visited the Byodo-In Temple in Hawaii. I want to enjoy the peace I feel from regular meditation. I want the aura around me to remain full of only positive energy. Believe in humility and live it. Feed my mind with constant knowledge and understanding of others. Learn true patience and compassion for others and no long judge people.

Maybe itʻs crazy that I want this life and maybe it is just a phase, but I hope not. I hope this is a path I can maintain in my life. One that I can share with my family. And not share with them in that I need them to practice with me, but in that I may find peace within myself that will allow me to experience life with them more fully and freely.

Being 5000 miles away from home for 8 days with only my husband and children, in the most beautiful place I have ever been taught me some things 1) Reality Bites 2) my husband and children are more important to me than anything in the world 3) I can find, achieve and maintain peace and happiness for more than a split second, I can do it for days 4)all this is more difficult to remember and achieve in daily life:)

I have decided that I need this and my family needs me to do this. I will keep exploring Buddhism and maybe some other Eastern Religions and maybe I will make up my own by picking and choosing the pieces that work for me and Iʻm okay with that, because what I need is a quiet and calm soul and mind.

End of Our Catholicism.

Christianity has been alive for just over 2000 years. In that time several splits have occurred with the church. Some with that left seeking radical changes, others like the Church of England, that were just looking for leadership change. In 1517, the Church of England was formed when King Henry VIII severed ties between the Vatican and himself. The King declared himself the Head of the Church of England and appointed the Archbishop of Canterbury as leader[akin to the Catholic Pope] of the Church.

For those familiar with both Churches, you know that there is very little difference between the two; or was until about the last 20 years. Most of the prayers are the same, the order of the service the same, even the belief is Saints the same. Remember, I am talking Protestants here and only Protestants, not Baptists or Lutherans

Paradise Lost, but Not Forgotten

I am back from the most wonderful vacation I have ever been on. Eight days in Hawaii with my husband and monsters, I could not have imagined a trip this wonderful if I had tried. The intention of the trip was a to combine some work with some pleasure, but none of it turned out seeming like work. The kids ended up loving almost all the things I needed to visit for school, in fact there were a few things that they asked to do that ended up being perfect for the research I needed.

We spent our days seeing and doing so much. We would leave our room in the morning with our bathing suits and sweater since we never quite knew where weʻd end up or what kind of weather weʻd see. One day we went from sunny and 80 at the beach, then 57 and rainy at 11000 ft atop a volcano, back to the beach and sun all within 3 hours!

We watched the sunset above the clouds and then stood so close to the stars you felt like you could touch them. We visited the only palace in the United States and buried our toes into the Waikiki sand. Visited Pearl Harbor and the North Shore and everyone enjoyed it all!

I am not sure if the company made the trip or the trip made the company, but either way it was an experience of a lifetime that I will never forget!

Politics or Whining?

Iʻll go with politics today:) My Obama supporting friends please skip this post. I would like to share a bit of then Sen. Obamaʻs response to President Bushʻs "invasion" of Iraq.
Here is what he said:

"But I also know that Saddam poses no imminent and direct threat to the United States, or to his neighbors, that the Iraqi economy is in shambles, that the Iraqi military a fraction of its former strength, and that in concert with the international community he can be contained until, in the way of all petty dictators, he falls away into the dustbin of history."


Humm...Here is what he said about Libya:

"I believe that Gadhafi is on the wrong side of history. I believe that the Libyan people are anxious for freedom and the removal of somebody who has suppressed them for decades now."

I guess the President would have us believe that unlike Saddam, Gadhafi is/was posing a direct threat to the United States.

Oh how I hope this is his "read my lips, no new taxes" and will cost him a second term!

And Itʻs Over.

I played along. I smiled. Hugged & kissed everyone. Sent the monsters to school in Valentiney Stuff. Now I am DONE. I am over it. I am tired. And honestly, it was exhausting to be that happy & cheery all day. I donʻt mind Valentineʻs Day, but it not on my top 10 list thatʻs for sure. People are all...smiling, happy, gushing love and for what? For people to spend money to "remind" either themselves or those in their live that they love them? Does me driving & picking them up for school everyday not say that? What about making dinner? doing their laundry? playdates? Engaging them in their mid-life crisis? sharing my bed???? Donʻt all these things say I Love You? I think they do.

So, I am done smiling & hugging & kissing & using kind words for the night. I want to head back to my trashcan and be grouchy. This 70 degree day with all its Love & Sunshine needs to GO! Tomorrow I will not smile at all! No matter a cute or sweet or loving or kind the monsters are! I will stay strong! Sourness All Around!

Hope everyone had a Great Valentineʻs Day!

School Award Day or Groundhog Day?

My girls out awards at school today. They were very excited to get them. For Maggie, it was her very first school award & Killi is always excited about getting awards, but who isnʻt:) Maggie received her award for responsibility, yes I know, Stop laughing now...Yes, she does take after her Aunt Megan and is a completely different child at school than at home. I am very proud of her and I am glad she knows the correct way to act and does sometimes:)

Now for Killi. Drum-roll please, wait...Not needed, this is the same and only award she has ever won. 3 years in a row now! Kindergarten, 1st grade and now 2nd grade...OUTSTANDING EFFORT AWARD! For those of you that do not have children or at least not children at the same school as mine, let me break this award down for you. This award is better known as the YOU REALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING WELL, BUT HECK YOUʻRE NICE AND SWEET AND YOU DO KEEP TRYING AWARD. And maybe this is not the case for every student that receives this award, but in my world that is how it feels.

I hear ALL the time how sweet and kind my Killi is. How she works so hard, but still cannot keep her head-above-water. How she is always the first to help others. And the only Award she can manage is OUTSTANDING EFFORT?

I know that some people will read this and not understand why I am upset so let me lay it out Jersey Style....To me this award is like hearing "We are going out tonight and in case you forgot, YOU ARE the grenade". Iʻm just sayinʻ, thatʻs how it feels to me.

Now to be fair, Killi does not seem to get that yet and she is still just happy to be receiving an award and that I get to come to school to see her receive it. And I am not sure she will ever see it the way I do, because she is a sweet, kind, innocent, perfect girl:)

Ronald Reagan, What I am Celebrating on 100 Years.

While I have only lived under seven Presidents in my lifetime and can really only remember Reagan-Obama; I have been eligible to vote in only 5 Presidential elections, I have been fortunate enough to meet one President and say without hesitation that Ronald Reagan is MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT thus far.

As I have mentioned many times, I am a cultural & political junkie(yes, I know DORKY:), but I am. With this said, I have spent much time over the past few months watching footage of Reaganʻs Speeches and interviews and listening to others reflect on their experiences with him and I have wondered what do I find so Great about this man. What I came up with surprised me some, mostly because it took me so long to put together.

I admire, respect, appreciate and thank Ronald Reagan because he reminds me of my father, well aside from that fact that my dad is a lifetime Democrat & Liberal NUT:) No, my father was never President or a Hollywood Actor, Governor or Public Speaker, but what he is, is a Great Communicator, a Great Patriot, an Optimist, a Protector and an honest man. It is true that I only knew Ronald Reagan as President, what I saw on television or in movies, but when I saw/heard him I could listen for hours, he could make me smile & feel safe and make me proud to be an American. All lessons I was first taught from my dad. That is why I first found Ronald Reagan so AWESOME, he reminded me of my dad.

Like Ronald Reagan, my father has a disease that will eventually take him from us, he is suffering with Lung Cancer. With all that my dad is going through and we are going through as a family, sometimes I donʻt see his optimism and humor as much. I struggle now to protect him and make him smile, I wonder if that is how President Reaganʻs family felt?

I know my dad has his toughest fight ahead of him these days, but I know he will fight through it, if only for our family. I know he will continue to make us laugh and protect us, I just hope he lets us do the same for him.

So, on the 100th anniversary of Ronald Reaganʻs birth, I would like to say Thank You to my dad for having the qualities of a great man so that I have been able to recognize and enjoy those qualities in another Great Man.

Enlightened.

While on the phone with a friend this morning I was given a different view on Catholic Faith and my continued search of what is "real". Most people who know me/us know that as a family we attend Catholic Church and the monsters attend CCD weekly. You also know that I went back Catholic, which is what I was raised, because I found it comfortable. There are plenty of things I disagree with in the Catholic Doctrine and there are many unanswered questions I have; but wanting to have my children receive religious education and talking honestly & openly with my priest, I decided I could have a home at St. Francis if I wanted it for myself and my family. Now we are there, attending mass & CCD regularly. Some weeks we go to mass and I find I leave annoyed and/or angry about the message for the week, but I know that is alright because at the very least I have opened my mind and I am thinking about what I heard. I admit, there are still some weeks I leave I disagree so strongly with what was taught that I wonder what I am doing there:)

One question I ponder regularly is about people suffering from disease; aids, cancer, depression, polio, autism, truly this list could go on for pages, but I think you get the point:) I wonder, if God is so good and powerful, would he not cure these people or eliminate disease? Today I have an answer that I am almost willing to accept. The answer given: That God has chosen a path for those people, who are suffering, to live a life similar to his. A life that may seem difficult here on Earth as Jesusʻ life was when he was beaten, tortured & crucified. Jesus lived that life to help others and was rewarded by ascending to Heaven and so maybe the suffering on Earth is just that for those with disease. Maybe God has chosen those people to suffer because he believes they can and he knows that others will learn and be touched by that. And then for their suffering on Earth they too are rewarded with a seat in Heaven. A seat that is there waiting for them as Jesusʻ waited for him.

I donʻt know if this is true or not, but I know that it is more than I had to go on. As I have been very personally touched by cancer recently through friends and family, I want something to hold on to. Hope. Peace. Hell, maybe it is finally FAITH. I am not sure how long I can keep this thought, but I know I have it now and thatʻs enough for now.

Winter Blues!

I don't think the sun ever shines and it is always below 40 degrees! It is only the fist half of January and I am already depressed and desperate for Spring. I know being really sick for the past two weeks is making this worse, but MY GOD, I don't know how in the world I am going to make it to March! I think I am going to have to break-down and buy one of those "sun lamps" this year!

The problem now is that I am starting to feel better, but don't want to leave the house and go any where that people might be for fear of new germs! I am also trying to save money for vacation, so I am avoiding stores:) It is too cold and gray to be outside so I stay in the house ALL THE TIME! You would think that would make my house incredibly clean and organized; you would be wrong. This is because last week I was in bed with my "itises" and this week I am too lazy and depressed to do it :) So instead I sit at the table "doing" school work & watching "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" on Netflix and wonder how much I HAVE TO DO so that my husband does not think I am totally and completely useless.

Each and every day I go to bed with grand hopes of a better tomorrow, a productive and positive day; then I get up, drop the monsters at school, decided it is cold and gray and come back in and lock the door. I think about getting on the treadmill or yoga and always promise myself some meditation, but then it is 3:00pm, time to get the monsters and I have not showered(again) or walked or meditated. Maybe tomorrow I think and so today I say maybe tomorrow.

Here's to hoping it really is tomorrow~

Tomorrow I Re-Enter the World, Maybe

With my "everything you can get in an URI" illness subsiding, I have made plans with my favorite 8 years old tomorrow afternoon. I am planning to get out of bed and stay out of it most of the day tomorrow:) I want to drop the monsters at school, straighten-up the house, shower and grab my girl for a lunch date and some "Mommy & Killi Time"! With three monsters, it is not always easy to spend time alone with them, so every so-often, I grab some time. I say it is for them, but I think I get as much from the one-on-one as they do, if not more.

So, here's to hoping that tomorrow brings me improved health and a fun day with sweet girl.

Maybe, Just Maybe I am Starting to Feel Better?

It has been a week today that I started feeling sick. Wait, only a WEEK???? It seems like it has been WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS especially if you were to hear my husband & monsters tell the story. Those poor souls have only had about half my attention and devotion instead of the usual 99%. I admit that they have been eating all the "easy" (read:unhealthy:) meals I can make like mac & cheese and chicken nuggets & fries, but hey, I am doing my best here.

This morning I woke up and felt a bit better, but more tired than yesterday. I hesitated to mention this to my family as I fear they will take my slight improvement as a sign that I should get back to work and I am just not ready yet :) I am sure this is not really true, the husband has been very supportive and the monsters, have been not awful, but I know they are getting frustrated with this bout of illness as it seems to be just the newest in a very long list. I mean this has been my second bout of laryngitis in December, so I get that they are over this, I am too!!! But of course i have convinced myself that they are plotting a coup and looking for a new HOH (head of House:). The paranoia comes courtesy of the steroids & albuterol that I have been taking in order to breathe, and yes the family LOVES this too (especially the husband who is SO busy at work and trying to pick up the slack at home:) None of this is making him want to run away:)

I have have set a goal for myself to remain in bed or very quiet until Saturday, even if I wake up tomorrow and feel great, I am going to take it easy. If by Friday I am not feeling better, I will go back to the doctor. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to get better! I am going to give myself the time to heal. I want to be done with illness for a few months:)

Just Ridiculous !!!

After about 5 days of being sick, I woke up this morning and was feeling better. I was so happy to be feeling better that I happily woke with Ben and Pepe at 630am. I got the dishes done before I woke the monsters, switched laundry, then nicely woke each monster quietly in hopes of easing them back into school. After dropping them at school, a trip on which both pups joined us, I came home exercised, showered, made myself lunch, read a bit for school and started dinner before picking the monsters up again.

Well, once I sat down in the car to head over to get those monsters, I started feeling BAD again, really bad. At that point I just figured that maybe I had done too much today and needed to rest; and that was fine since dinner was already roasting and the house clean. All I needed to do was spend time with my monsters and put dinner on the table.

Before we made it the 3 miles home from school, I realized, with the help of Killi "Mommy, I thought your voice came back, now it left again?", that my voice was again GONE! Still, I was okay, all I needed to do was spend time loving my monsters and take dinner out of the oven. I did that! I even read a book to Killi and bathed Pepe, I was doing great! Then I wasn't doing so great. I got really achy, noticed my ears were very clogged and my chest hurt so bad everytime I coughed I wanted to cry! So, I decided that when Ben got home from work and after I tucked the monsters in, I would finally go to the Urgent Care.

At 7ish, I headed to the UC, it was PACKED! I instead went to the ER, ended up being just as packed I think. I walked in, they looked me over, handed me a mask to wear and there I sat for the next 3.5 hours. After Blood & x rays, and lots of time in the waiting room, I was told that I have pneumonia( but only a very small spot:), sinus infection, ear infection, laryngitis and bronchitis. Once they had uncovered all of that, they were kind enough to shoot me up with an antibiotic, start my steroid, give me pain meds and do a breathing treatment all so I would not need meds again until morning, that way I could go straight home and to bed.

That was 2.5 hours AGO!!! How the heck am I gonna sleep hopped up on all that albuterol & steroid :) The coughing has slowed a bit and breathing feels much easier, so I will take it! They offered to admit me, but I declined on promise of taking it easy the next few days and coming back if I got worse or did not improve in 48 hours or so.

When I finally get through this one, I am going to my doctor and find out what is wrong with my immune system (besides clearly NOT having one:). I have really had enough of every cold turning into something more and lasting FOREVER! Forget those other resolutions I made, the only one I have & will keep is to find out why my immune system SUCKS! I will keep eating better and exercising because I believe that will help my immune system so all that time posting last week was not for nothing:)


Please let tomorrow bring improvement in my health! I will sit and rest ALL (okay most) of the day! Just bring my voice back! Take the pain from my chest! I will take just one, a small one even, I just need a sign of improvement!

We Are Set!

Last April Ben and I decided that it was time for us to go away without the monsters, so we exchanged our Orlando timeshare for Oahu. We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii and have not been back since Declan was 10 months old, too long to be away! We were so excited to get the exchange and started looking for airfare. We expected fares to be between $400-600 a person but we were so wrong, it was more like $800-1,000 a person!!! That was something we were having a really hard time swallowing. Then, to make matters worse, Ben starting saying things like "Hawaii is really far away" and "do you really think you are going to be able to leave the kids and go so far away", I wanted to kill him! Of course after that I did not want to travel THAT far away without the monsters, but now what? I did not have $5000 for airfare but I really wanted to go to Hawaii! I have my entire next semester of school arranged around my trip to Hawaii!

Today it all came together! We caught a great sale on American Airlines and used a coupon from the entertainment book and got airfare for the entire family to Oahu! I am so excited, the girls are so excited, Ben still wishes we were traveling without monsters, but happy about Hawaii and Declan...hopefully he'll come around, he thinks there will be too many sharks:)

I am very excited that we are going to be able to enjoy Hawaii with the monsters! It is one of my favorite places I have ever been! I know they will love it...after the 15 hours it takes us to get there:)