Unsettled.

That is how I am feeling, unsettled. I am not usually a person who puts much value on how others view my life or judge me, but this week has been hard. And usually when I ask for an opinion, I only take what I want from it. This week I have taken everything to heart and now I feel angry, hurt, annoyed and misunderstood and it is taking a toll on me.

My heart and mind are filled with so much, I an not sure either has stopped racing in days. Seems as quickly as I reconcile myself in one area another storm is brewing. My classes have just started-up for the semester, local budget debates are heating up and my son has hit a bump in the road and I am not a good juggler:) In an attempt mot to "over-concern" myself with my son, I have jumped into local politics. Normally this would be good; right now it is not. The local politicians I have been dealing with would not know the truth it they tripped over it! And being lied to by elected officials, about matters that directly affect me, annoys me. I just want to shake a few of them and say " Just Tell The Truth!" and stick to the same story. See, if you didn't manipulate the truth based on your audience, it would not be so hard to keep track of what you are saying. I guess if you cannot do that, you should consider a tape-recorder for your conversations.

When I get tired of local politics I try jumping back to school, which I am enjoying, but I feel I could spend hours and hours researching and reading and forget that I still need to be a wife and mother. Needless-to-say, this does not happen often thanks to the husband and 3 monsters who are very happy to snap me back to reality and out of my peaceful grad school life.

That brings me back full circle to dealing with my son. It sucks when life isn't easy for your kid! It hurts! It hurts to watch your child struggle. It is hard for me to talk to others about this because I feel so responsible that it is hard for me not to hear criticism in their advice. On my own I am replaying all the things I could do better or different to help. On my own I am working through ideas on how to make it better. When other people offer their insight or opinion, I just hear criticism. I logically know that is not what is happening, but emotional it feeling that way. Sometimes I wish I had a robot that could nod and move its head and maybe every so often throw out an " ah" or " yeah", but nothing more. No really solutions; I am not ready for them yet, I am still blaming myself for screwing up:)

As of yesterday, I had declared myself, on facebook, "DONE" with everyone and everything. I just needed everyone to know that I need sometime. Sometime to resettle myself and hopefully my family. Time to decided what I want to focus on and where to best focus my emotion.