Time to Write

It is hard to think that I used to blog EVERYDAY! Now I am lucky to make time to do it once every 3-6 months. We the monsters were younger I blogged about my day, their milestones and anything else I couldn't find an adult to talk about :) It helped keep me sane through my early years of being a SHM. I even found a group of virtual friends that have become part of my "real life":) I now find myself in a place in my life where I think writing might once again bring me some comfort. I am hoping that writing will bring all that is floating in my mind out and move it along. Before I really start whining... *** I have never been shy about sharing my battle with depression or anxiety or whatever other "stuff" I have going on, some say I share too much, but I share this on the off-chance that someone out there might be reading this and be going through their own stuff and feel scared or alone. I want them to know that they are NOT alone. Sharing or not sharing there are plenty of folks in the boat with you:) Now, I have had a hell of a few months! The New Year did not start off good. My dad, who you may remember was battling stage IV lung cancer since 2009, was not doing well AT ALL. He was in tons of pain all the time and the doctors were not finding anything that could help. Nevertheless, we went ahead with the Surprise 60th Birthday Party that my sister had been planning for about a year. A few weeks before the party he fell and broke his arm! Talk about adding insult to injury! As I am sure you can imagine a broken arm did NOTHING to help his physical or mental battle with cancer. We all headed to FL for the party and it was wonderful. The party was fantastic. There were friends from near & far that came to join us. My dad had a great time and really was surprised. Once everyone left and went about their lives he became a frequent visitor at the local hospital. There were daily phone calls with updates and few of them were good. He had some good days but they were becoming fewer & fewer. With all that was going on I knew I was in for a rough road ahead and made an appointment with my young & handsome doctor of 6 years so that I could refill all my "meds" and see if he had anything to add :) After 6 yrs together he knew my CRAZY & I loved him for it! The night before my Monday morning appointment I received a call that my appointment needed to be canceled because my 44 yr old, fit, healthy doctor had died. WTF!!! I needed meds, I needed him! He wasn't just my PCP, he was my friend, therapist, doctor all in one. As you can imagine, I did not (still not) handling this well. Nor have I found another doctor and I need refills! A week goes by and I think about finding a doctor to fill my meds but I never do. Instead I run around trying to get Easter together for the kids before I need to be in the car to NJ to celebrate Easter. Oh, during this week, my dad isn't doing well, the husband's aunt is super sick, my SIL is scheduled to have a c-section & Marg and I celebrate our bdays. Yes, it is okay to laugh as you think of what living with me that week must have been like:) Finally we make it to NJ the Saturday before Easter. The day was uneventful, thankfully. My MIL did the Easter stuff with the monsters and I went to bed early. Easter morning came, the monsters ate lots of candy & hunted for hidden eggs. All seemed to be moving in the right direction until my sister called ME on her bday before I could call her. Her message...Dad is back in the hospital and you need to come here NOW. What do we do? Hop in the car of course and drive back to VA after 24 hrs in NJ, unpack & repack for our second driving trip to FL in a month. 16 hours in the car with three kids, a crazy wife & a husband that does nothing but drive is AWESOME! We did it, we got to FL on Monday night and intended to spend our week of Spring Break there. Ten days passed and we were still in FL and the kids were off one random day the following week so it became a two week stay in FL. I spent my time trying to help my mom & sister by running my dad to and from the doctor and get the care he needed and the husband and monsters visited park after park in the area. With my husband, I decided that we needed to get the kiddos back home and back into school and then I would come back to FL. When we left FL on Friday night, I left my mom with my dad back in the hospital knowing that we were seeing the end of his fight. The doctor had told us the week earlier that our time with him was running out. That we were now talking about weeks to months left. Nearly 4 yrs after finding a small tumor in his lung my father's body could no longer win the battle. That was two weeks and 2 days ago. My father has been dead for 11 days. It has been one week since we were in NJ to hold a "Celebration of his Life".