Thursday, February 26, 2009

Humm...

It might be that having a month to "prepare" for the gall bladder removal is not the best thing! It is a month to stress and re-stress over all that could, but I know will not, go wrong! A month of wondering all the "what-ifs" and not living the next month! The worst part about all this is that I have met some people that have had the "bad" experiences and they are not that bad! And I will be fine. My surgical history indicates no problems and I have had 3 babies with little trouble. So, why you ask do I worry? I worry because I do. The harder I try not to, the more I do. The angrier I get at my self for worrying,I worry more! I fear it is going to be a very long month involving a lot of xanax!

Then the month will be over and my gall bladder will be removed and I will feel GREAT! Except I will then be stressed over the fact that I spent the previous month stressing! Oh a viscous cycle in my life! I need Susan Powder to "STOP THE INSANITY"!

Good Night!

WOW!

I love cliches. I have always enjoyed them, but as I get older I enjoy them more, and I enjoy them most when I first realize how they can to be. I don't mean just understanding it, but living the experience of the cliche. You know, the first time you really see into someone's "perfect" life and the "Grass Isn't Greener". Today I had one of those days and to say "Those in Glass House..." is an understatement. WOW! is all I can bring myself to say. I wonder though, do people say things more to convince others or themselves?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Finally...

After almost 8 years of suffering, I am finally taking the steps to have my gallbladder removed. My ultra-sound revealed "several significantly sized" gall stones, so tomorrow I am meeting with a surgeon. The surgeon I am seeing tomorrow is the same doctor that operated on Declan when he was a baby, and if I trusted him with my 1 month old, I think I can trust him with my gall bladder.

I will keep you posted!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Feeling Good, well Better :)

I know you were all concerned, so I am happy to report that I am feeling better. My meds are back in me and working, no more PMS and are tax return should be here soon. The situation with Killi is moving along and I am almost ready to commit to making changes in my life.

Husband's hours are not getting any better at work, but with the sun setting later it doesn't seem so awful having to feed, shower and tuck-in the kids all alone.

Tomorrow I will have lunch with a friend of mine that has had a much tougher go-of-it than I, a few years ago she was diagnosed with throat cancer and lost her voice-box through treatment. I don't see her as often as I'd like, mostly because life gets busy, but also because I have some guilt when I do see her. Guilt because she is always so up-beat and loving when I see her and guilt that I am healthy(knock wood). It does help me put my life back in perspective; and boy do I have a good life!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Perfect Storm

To recap for anyone just joining, I am a 33 year old mother of three that suffers from anxiety and depression. My days range from good to really bad and sometimes there is a reason and sometimes there is not. I take medication daily to try to remain balanced and have "extra" meds for the days things are really bad. I have been better for the the past couple of years(not to say that times have always been good:)but things have not gotten too bad in awhile.

This week however the "Perfect Storm" has occurred in my world of stress and anxiety. First, my husband has been working an insane amount of hours leaving me to tend to the monsters alone from sun up to sun down. Second, we have been forced to deal with the(incompetent) school the past few weeks for Killi. Third, I am awaiting my tax return and payday so I am stressed about money(because really, I could have an endless supply and still stress). Fourth, i am falling behind in house and school work. Fifth, I ran out of Lexapro 3 days ago and when I tried to pick it up it was $50, WTF!!! And the cherry-on-to was PMS! Rarely am I (un)lucky enough to create such a "Perfect Storm".

Because of all this, the sound of the monsters voices is driving me nuts! Them touching me is making my skin crawl. Avoiding Ben is all that is stopping me from yelling at him and trying to formulate a productive plan is unfathomable. If I could sit in bed, eat chocolate and cry all day I would. I keep pushing things off hoping they will not be waiting for me tomorrow, but they are and I still can not figure out how to deal with them. Logically I know I just need to switch the laundry, but I cannot make my body get there, there are too many other thoughts in the way!

I hope with my meds back and Friday coming that I can convince myself that this stress in irrational and get back on track. Hoping is all I have the ability to do right now!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

51...

I cannot spell worth a sh*t

Now I am done!

50 Random Things

1. I have serious social anxiety issues

2. I am insecure, especially as a with and mother

3. I am a hypochondriac

4. I love my kids with all my heart

5. My family is the source of both my greatest joy and sadness

6. I am very giving

7. I am not trusting

8. I have few "friends" but lots of aquantinces

9. I am an incredibly good judge of character

10. I love to people watch

11. I hate the movies

12. My husband makes me laugh

13. I still take to my first "best friend"

14. I wouldn't change a thing about my past

15. I want to live forever

16. I wish my kids would never more more than a block away from me

17. I order chicken well-done at resturants

18. I am lazy

19. I hate to food shop

20. I love the beach

21. I hope to never have to work again

22. I knew what I wanted out of life when I was 5 and got it

23. I struggle with religion

25. My in-laws are not among my favorite people

26. I want to move to a hut on the beach

27. Fresh-air is awsome

28. Bureaucracy sucks, even though it pays my bills

29. I have never voted for a democrate

30. Personal property tax is a rip-off

31. PMS sucks for everyone

32. Jeff Gordon is my favorite Nascar driver

33. I believe women are stronger than men

34. I am not a bigot

35. I love music

36. Baseball is awesome

37. Summer is my favorite season

38. I fight authority

39. I love to learn

40. I suffer from depression

41. I want to go to Prague

42. I never want to go to Paris

43. I hate to gamble

44. I love human contact

45. I color my hair

46. I hate pants with buttons

47. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is my favorite

48. I don't really miss living in NJ, just the food

49. I've had dinner at the White House

50. I am a dork