Meds & Jail

I've been dragging my feet about sharing this part of my story but Every time I start to blog this is the story I want to tell, I need to tell. So buckle-up for this wild ride.

At the time of my sentencing I had been taking my medications for nearly six months. Most of my medications were to manage my mental illnesses, including Lithium for bipolar. And while I did not prepare for much else, I did gather my medications to take with me just in case because I knew how important it was to be without my lithium. * A quick note here about bipolar and lithium. Lithium is a medication that has a very small window between effective treatment and overdose. When using the drug for treatment of bipolar you need to have blood tests done to check lithium levels every 6-8 weeks. Also stopping treatment with lithium all at once can trigger an episode of depression or mania* With all this in mind, I was prepared with lithium in hand. I was not allowed to take my medications with me but my husband was informed by my attorney that he could drop my medications off at the jail later that day, which he did.

Throughout processing and while in Crisis for the first 24 hours, I asked about my medications, specifically my lithium. I was told I would need to talk to this person or that person and that I could do that in a minute. That never happened that first night. So on the second day, when I finally spoke to someone in medical, I was told that my medicine was delivered and would start that night. What I wasn't told was that all of my medications would be crushed and that some of my meds were not approved for the jail therefore I could not have them while there. Not even if they were for mental illness. Ugh! Who decides these things! I tried to stay calm and just hoped my lithium would be on that cart.

The next evening when the medicine cart came, staffed by a CNA, some of my medication was on the cart! Yay! And my lithium was one of them but it was crushed. Yes, I know they said it would be but my lithium was extended release and was not supposed to be crushed(when crushed ER meds release too quickly into the body). I tried to explain this to the CNA but was told that I needed to take it, crushed or go back to crisis. They told me it was safe. So I took the ER Lithium, crushed, everyday twice a day, I trusted them and I had my lithium and I was settling in.

Things were moving along and I was going until day 5 when I got up so sick to my stomach. I suspected I was just nervous and not eating well so I tried to sleep as much as possible. Each day it seemed I felt a bit worse and more tired. I started vomiting along with hanging out on the toliet all day. Still I thought little of it more than just not settling in. All the while I continued taking my meds as directed.

One day towards the end of my second week I was really feeling awful and couldn't do anything and my vision was blurry and I was getting sick more often and I knew I needed help. I called my husband to tell him I was feeling worse and that I needed medical attention. He called my doctor from home and reported my symptoms. My doctor asked what medications I was taking, my husband ran down the list and mentioned that everything was crushed.

From that point forward life went into fast forward, my doctor demanded that my lithium levels be tested immediately and that my medication no longer be crushed. She told my husband that she suspected I was suffering from lithium toxicity and that it was very dangerous, my organs could start shutting down. The crushed lithium had to stopped!

Three days passed before my blood was taken to test my lithium level and in that time the jail did not give me any medication. Finally my blood was drawn but I was never given the results, nor were my husband or doctor. My husband was told by one nurse only that my levels were elevated but nothing else. I was told I could request my records once I was released.

After this disaster, my medications were all switched to liquid so it could not be crushed. But this could only be done because my doctor was willing to continue writing and managing my scripts and my husband was willing to pick up and deliver my liquid medications. The jail was not willing to change anything. When nearing the end of my time, the jail decided I could no longer have my meds brought in and that I would have to go back to crushed. Again my husband and my doctor fought and I was able to have my meds uncrushed while I was there.

Once I got home I did request my medical records. It took three requests and four months and $40 to finally get them. When I finally found my test results from that episode, my lithium level was 3x what it should have been and that was after not having a single dose in over 72 hours, I've been told by my doctors that it was much higher before I stopped the lithium and I should have been tested that first day it was stopped.

That was incredibly scary. It set the stage for my entire stay in jail and the fact that I could not trust that the people in the jail that should have been taking care of me could.

Chow Time

Food, if it can be called that, was beyond awful and meal times were as terrible as the food. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were served daily, breakfast was served between 4am-530am, lunch between 1030am-1230pm & dinner between 330-530pm. There was no rhyme or reason to when trays came and from day to day the times changed.

For breakfast at 4 something everyone was woken up to eat. Breakfast was usually the most identifiable meal of the day, oatmeal, fake sausage(soy or chicken), maybe some applesauce, some days cold pancakes, breakfast potatoes and sometimes a little piece of cake. As I said, breakfast was the best meal and if you could get up at 4am (lights out was 11pm) you could find something there to eat. Most days only about a third of the ladies got up to eat.

By the time lunch rolled around everyone was pretty hungry and wondering if the lunch trays would hold any thing edible. And most days I could not bare to eat it. Lots of really thick nasty bologna or speckled bologna, there was also mushy noodles with meat, remember the "meat" was either soy or chicken protein powder, no actual meat. It really all tasted the same and it wasn't good.

Dinner was often the same dishes they served for lunch on different days. Oh and another staple was beans but they weren't cooked usually and again everything was cold by the time we got it. People loved living with me because I was always happy to share my tray.

What made this food situation worse was that we always heard how good the food was in the jails/prisions around us. Real meat, milk, warm pancakes, fresh fruit all things we never saw.  For me this was one heck of a diet! 70 lbs lost in the 10.5 months I was there. Which seemed not to bother anyone responsible for my health, no one mentioned it until I had lost almost all of the weight. But then, healthcare was as questionable as the food, I'll share that in another post.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

On an ideal day at Rappahannock Regional Jail in Bravo One, I spent from 5- 7 hours out of my cell. That time was spent in a day room with the other 25 ladies on my floor or out on  a very small cement slab where just a bit of fresh air could be found.

The day room consisted of a few cafeteria tables, 2 televisions with a few awful plastic chairs, a microwave, 4 showers and most importantly, 8 payphones.

There was alot that needed to get done when one was out of the cell; especially since you could be sure when the next time you'd be out of your cage. Rotations could be skipped for any number of reasons and you never knew before hand that a "lockdown" was going to happen. A lockdown meant no shower, no microwave, no interaction with others and hardest of all, no phone.

You see, the payphone became my only regular connection with my family, with my monsters. Visits were only once a week via video and only one monster could come at a time so I only saw them(if you can call it that)once every 3 weeks. So, daily phone calls were all I had to stay connected to them and to my husband. It was also the only way my husband could know that I was Okay and that was important for him because of all the health issues I was
having. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult this inconsistency was.

Lockdowns usually happened for a rotation(one (1.5hr)). Or maybe one shift but usually we got to the phones at least once a day, to check in, reassure yourself and your family that you were hanging on. But every so often they went on longer.

The worst and longest lockdown I ever went through was 54 hours. For 54 hours there was no shower, no microwave and NO PHONES. For 54 hours straight I sat in a 10 x 6 cement and cinder block cell with no window to see out of and a steel door with the smallest window out to the day room. A 10 x 6 cell with a second person, bunk beds, a toliet and a sink for 54 hours straight. During this lockdown even meals were served through our doors so we really didn't come out.

As you can imagine, this was not a good time. The first day was doable but as the second day started and ended and we were stilled locked down, it got really tough. By day two my mind was all over the place, worry, fear, concern, and that was just about the monsters. I knew my husband was going insane and had probably called the jail by day 2. I wasn't sleeping, not eating and just crying. I tried as many different things as I could think of to pass the time. I read, I exercised, I wrote letters, I cleaned, I read my scriptures but by the time day 2 came to an end I was done, I had nothing left, I was physically sick with worry and tired on top of it. It seemed like this would never end.

On the morning of the 3rd day of lockdown there was finally a break, we finally got out of our cells. Twenty-five women that needed to share 4 showers and 8 phones! There were lots of quick showers and fast phone calls to ensure everyone got a turn. Once I got my turn on the phone I called my husband and upon hearing his voice I started to cry. I cannot remember ever being that happy to hear his voice. I asked about my monsters and him, I'm not sure I really heard any thing he told me because the sound of his voice was like heaven. I didn't want to hang up but I did to give the next person a turn.

What I remember most about this lockdown was how much tougher things can get even when you think you've hit the toughest point it can get tougher. I remember the ache in my chest and the unsettledness stomach because I missed my monsters so much. I also remember that I made it through. I made it through and I am stronger.

Finding the positive, a silver lining in my experience and time at RRJ is not easy but to heal and move on I need a positive. I need to know that my time there did something for me or someone else. So many days the negative trumps the positive and I have nightmares or I'm angry I was there but I'm trying, I'm trying to find positives.