Lately, I found myself in a nasty cycle of pain, depression, loneliness, pain, depression, loneliness, pain... well, you get it. My pain is mainly caused by my fibromyalgia, which helps open the door for depression (which I'm prone to anyway) and that to loneliness ( because when you feel that terrible being with people is not at the top of the list) and so depression circles back around. You know you've been withdrawn when even Facebook friends start asking where you've been :) I thank everyone of you for that! However, it doesn't motivate me to interact more or shake my depression, mostly it makes me feel guilty. Guilty because my life is good. It's So good. It's not perfect but whose life is?
What I do have and will be grateful for is waking up every morning with the opportunity to try. I know that every morning I wake up to my husband and monsters is a gift. A gift from God that no matter my daily struggles there is more for me to do. It's a gift that tells me that my pain is not too much to bare, that my depression is not too dark to find the light and that my loneliness is not real because God is always with me.
That knowledge, that faith grows for me daily, even when my skin bleeds from being scratched all night or when my tears blind me and even when I lie in bed wishing for someone to talk to, I know through that struggle and that pain that there is someone there. Someone that loves me, someone that has a plan for me even when I cannot see it. Faith does not come easily for me and there are many days I need help remembering I'm not alone and I do not need to face my burden alone because of that, I am so thankful, grateful for the scriptures and for the fellowship of my church brothers and sisters. And everyday I know how fortunate I am for a God willing to do this with me over and over again.
I have favourite Hymn at church and every time I hear it I am reminded of all that is given and done for me every day, Here is a link to listen to the hymn and also the words
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DZzjy2UAe6Rk&ved=2ahUKEwi1z6rmrcfdAhUOfH0KHabbC58QjjgwCnoECAUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3NwCqTN6gmn5ifOVEc-x-x
1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
