This is a post I've been trying to write for some time now but have struggled with. I wasn't sure how much of myself I wanted to put into it. How much of my personal experiences I was comfortable sharing or if I would share more the stories of those that have come in and out of my life and their struggles. After some deep thought and some prayers, I know that the story I need to share is my own.
I've know what suicide is from a very young age, I had an uncle that took his own life before I was school aged and my mother was always honest with me about his death and about suicide. Whenever we spoke of my uncle she explained that he was unable to continue living his life, that it was very hard for him. As I got older she explained more about mental illness/Depression and how this can often be a factor when people take their own life. So I have always known what suicide was. It was never glamorized nor was it bad, dirty, it just was. I was always encouraged to seek help, support if I ever felt like hurting myself. And I always believed that my mother meant those words and I still do. But sometimes those words are not enough. And you are sure no one can help you.
I've mentioned it before and I will again I'm sure, that I have been in a battle with my mental illness for most of my life. It ebbs and flows much like the tides. I have really long, wonderful periods where I'm happy and life is great! Then there are dark times when nothing goes right, nothing makes me happy and I cannot even find contentment. Each of these periods can last days, weeks, months or even years; and there is no way to know when one will end and another begin. If you're one of the fortunate ones, like me, you have family that bugs the crap out of you about your medications and therapy, but even then you, yourself need to go to the doctor, take your medications, go to therapy, take your therapists advice. That's a huge amount of work and a big commitment to make. And as you're doing all this, you're struggling to understand which is the 'real' you! Some people don't find the right one and it's just too exhausting to try again.
About two years ago, I was there. I didn't want to fight one more day. I was so, so sad and making everyone around me just as sad(or so I believed). I finally had a plan, a good one too and it was going to make everyone feel better. I would be out of their lives for good and they could be happy for once. I walked around for days and played out the details in my head and each time they seemed better and better. I was all set. I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon that I kept so that my family would not have to pay a no-show fee. While I was there I very matter-of-factly shared my plan with my doctor. Maybe it was a call for help, maybe it was something else but thank goodness I did because I know I would not have made it home had I not shared my plan. Instead of being dead that night I was in a psychiatric hospital where I remained for several days. I got the medicines I needed along with therapy, all of which I am still using today. And I still have good days and bad and I'm slowly learning how to cope with those bad days. Chances are I will spend the rest of my life going back and forth, keeping my therapist in business :) And I know that's okay.
I share this story today with you in hopes of you all sharing with someone else. You truly never know what will encourage someone else to seek help or support. I share today to encourage parents to talk about depression and loneliness and suicide with your kids. Remind them that help is out there even if it's not you. Talk to them about suicide. Make sure they understand that you love them and that they are not alone in battling demons. There are more people fighting than you think, than they think. Be open. Be honest. Be Strong.
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