Real Life Depression

As I sit here in church I find I'm unable to concentrate, worse I am feeling I don't care. I don't care what is being said, I don't care who is around me, I don't care about God. I just don't care. I don't want to ‘share’ my burdens nor do I want to bare others. I want to go. I want to be free. I want to run away. I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do but i know I don't want to be here; church, Stafford, Virginia, none of it! I don't want to be a wife, a mother or a friend! I want to be gone, away, alone.

This I know is depression. These thoughts and feelings I'm having and living are depression. I know this because it is not the first time I've felt this way, it's not even the second or third time. When it comes, it rushes in like a wave, a tsunami, it crushes and destroys everything it can reach and it leaves incredible damage as it slowly recedes. The damage, like that from the tsunami, is greater in some spots than other. Some messes can be sopped up with a towel or mop while others are completely devastated, unable to be fixed, so are episodes of depression (for me). And the longer the episode lasts, the more damage is done and the harder it is to clean up.

I suffer from depression, I am currently experiencing a pretty serious episode. Like most of them, this episode started slow, some sleep issues, illness, winter, teenagers, none of which would have been much singularly but piled one on top of another it's too much for me. Yes, I am aware that these are things that many people deal with all the time and do it well and don't get sad or depressed but I did and that is where I am. Depressed! I said it, I AM DEPRESSED!

Get over it. Yep, I hear it all the time. Do people honestly believe that I want to feel sad and lonely all the time? That I want to run away from my life, my family and friends? That is just not the case. My monsters and husband are my heart. All I do is for them. The thought of being with them is all that keeps me going and I don't understand why being with them is not making me happy. Why I still have to force myself out of bed EVERYDAY! I have a very small circle of friends who try everyday to cheer me up and make my burdens a bit lighter; it doesn't help. I have a therapist that listens and offers ideas, but I'm sad. NOT SUICIDAL!!! Just sad, depressed.

I am sharing all this with you so you know what depression looks like, it looks like me. Most people I see daily wouldn't know it. Most people would think I look, act like every other SHM. I'm depressed and working to not be anymore.

Thank you for letting me share my words and disorganized story with you. Smile randomly at someone today or say hello, you never know who needs it.