Today doesn't hurt any less than April 17, 2013 did. To date, this is my least favorite day of the year, April 17. It's the day that I dread for 364 days every single year. Now it's here and what? I spend the next 23.5 hours crying or trying not to cry while I wonder, usually resentfully, how my mother and siblings push through. I hate today, April 17th.
The sadness, hurt and anger I feel on this day doesn't leave from year to year. The pain I felt on April 17, 2013 has derailed my life. Grief has consumed me, it has made it impossible for me to make good decisions, and makes me unable to see when I make bad ones. I've lost time with my family because I cannot see past my grief. I still just find myself so sad most days, which is a huge improvement over EVERYDAY but still isn't where I need or want to be. I know I need to find a way to move past my grief. I need to work on being mentally healthy. My father would really not have been happy with this pity- party I've been throwing for 6 years now! While flattered at first, by 2 or 3 months he would have said move on. When years 3 and 4 came around, and my life was really hitting rock-bottom, he would have been angry. He would tell me now that I need to stop. I need to pull my life together and stop wasting time grieving over him. Especially since he did not think himself worthy of this kind of wallowing and grieving :)
Today I am going to do my best to move past the tears and see the life ahead of me. And when I wake up on April 18, 2019, I am going to work to live for more than another year passing since my father died. I am going to live for me! I am going to live for my husband & children. I am going to think of a happy moment everytime a sad one creeps in. This year I'm going to do it.
I love you dad and I will never stop but no more tears! Forward I go.
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