When?

I've spent the past 18-24 months in what I imagine HELL to be. My father's nearly 4 year battle with lung cancer entered the final stages then and in April of last year the cancer won. That has set the tone for my life and since then I have not been able to get my head-above-water. Even after both shoes dropped and I thought things HAD to get better, they didn't, they haven't. Everything is a fight with the monsters. They don't want to help with anything and they have all taken on my anxiety disorder. The husband's job has been in constant turmoil and our neighborhood sucks(makes Stepford look fun)! All of these has done wonders for my fibromylgia and my desire to conquer the world is gone. Now I'm happy if I can conquer a shower on any given day. I'm down and out and defeated.

If It Ain't Broke...

It's been less than a year since I gave up my iphone and went with a Samsung but today I went for the deal AT&T and Apple were offering and took the iphone 5c deal. There was nothing WRONG with the Samsung III but all of my other devices are Apple and the ease of use is just a huge selling point so back I go.

Here are the top three things I have not enjoyed about the Samsung and android:
1- itunes is not compatible with it
2- the PLAY store is much more difficult to navigate than the itunes app store
3- the samsung is not compatible with the sound-system in my car
As I have listed these, I have thought of many others like the ads on the phone from google, annoying when you are paying a TON of money for cell service each month!

I know that there are people that really enjoy their androids and maybe if I had started with that instead of an iphone for smartphones I would feel differently but for now I am going back to apple.

More Firsts Ahead.

Today marks eight months that my father has been gone and the days are not getting easier. In fact, with the "Holiday Season" upon me it is getting more difficult. I am not one to easily get through holiday season as it is; the stress of family and keeping everyone happy is too much for me while trying to transition to the dark,drab,gray of winter weather! My very fragile mental state is overwhelmed by it all!LOL! So, this one is sure to be GREAT, given this added stress.

Now, I am stressed about becoming stressed out! How crazy can one person be?

The Reset Button.

It is time to hit the "reset button" on my life. I've allowed myself to be carried away by the routine of life and forgotten how to live life, how I WANT to live my life, forgotten what is important. It used to be that when this happened to me I would spend hours or days beating myself up for wasting time(what a waste of time:) Not this time, this time I am just going to try hitting reset.

I am going to make a list and check it twice, hoping that I manage to get some of the "to-do's" off my list or atleast not do things that are not on the list. I want to spend more time with the monsters and I haven't picked up picked up a book in months. I am not sure of the last time I kissed my husband or played fetch with the pups. I just don't want to let things get too far away that I need a road map back!

And this is why...



I've made it 1/2 a year without him.

Life is too short to beat myself up over how I could live it better, I am just reminding myself that I am here to live it.

What It Is

Since my SIL asked me for my blog address and I had to come here and get it, I took it as a sign that I must need to write. Life seems to be passing at lightening speed! As usual I have too many things going on and not enough hours in the day to complete all the tasks. It may be time to try the dreaded "to-do" list again. First on it...BLOG daily :)

Changing.

It's different now. My dad being gone. It's harder is some ways, easier in others. I don't think about him every second of everyday anymore, although I still think about him a lot. Now I mostly think of how he is missing the things we are doing and how he would have enjoyed them, or the stories he would have had to go along with wherever we were. I miss being able to call him up and tell him about a bad call I saw in the ballgame or an amazing play. I know he has a great defense for the President in the recent scandals which I would love to hear even if just to tell him he was CRAZY! But it is different. The pain isn't there every second of everyday. I can finally take a deep breath again without my chest feeling like it is going to explode. What it is not is easier, it is just different.

Grief.

Grief: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement That is what people keep calling the feelings I am experiencing right now, grief. Today, I am calling it anger. Today I have incredible anger for what I believe to be the injustice of having my father taken from me at only sixty years and two months old! The social security administration website tells me that I still have 19 years and 10 months left with him before he dies, 80 is the life expectancy of a male born in February of 1953. So the way I see it, the SSA lied to me! They have cheated me out of nearly 20 years with my father and I am angry about it! I'm angry at Phillip Morris for continuing to sell cigarettes long after knowing the harm it can cause people. How a company can knowingly sell a product that causes a disease like lung cancer is amazing. It makes me angry. I'm angry at the medical professionals who have not found a cure yet for lung cancer. I'm angry at the people who have fought and won the battle because it is just NOT fair! Yep, I know this feeling of anger is unhealthy, misguided and unproductive but that's how I feel today.