Time to Write

It is hard to think that I used to blog EVERYDAY! Now I am lucky to make time to do it once every 3-6 months. We the monsters were younger I blogged about my day, their milestones and anything else I couldn't find an adult to talk about :) It helped keep me sane through my early years of being a SHM. I even found a group of virtual friends that have become part of my "real life":) I now find myself in a place in my life where I think writing might once again bring me some comfort. I am hoping that writing will bring all that is floating in my mind out and move it along. Before I really start whining... *** I have never been shy about sharing my battle with depression or anxiety or whatever other "stuff" I have going on, some say I share too much, but I share this on the off-chance that someone out there might be reading this and be going through their own stuff and feel scared or alone. I want them to know that they are NOT alone. Sharing or not sharing there are plenty of folks in the boat with you:) Now, I have had a hell of a few months! The New Year did not start off good. My dad, who you may remember was battling stage IV lung cancer since 2009, was not doing well AT ALL. He was in tons of pain all the time and the doctors were not finding anything that could help. Nevertheless, we went ahead with the Surprise 60th Birthday Party that my sister had been planning for about a year. A few weeks before the party he fell and broke his arm! Talk about adding insult to injury! As I am sure you can imagine a broken arm did NOTHING to help his physical or mental battle with cancer. We all headed to FL for the party and it was wonderful. The party was fantastic. There were friends from near & far that came to join us. My dad had a great time and really was surprised. Once everyone left and went about their lives he became a frequent visitor at the local hospital. There were daily phone calls with updates and few of them were good. He had some good days but they were becoming fewer & fewer. With all that was going on I knew I was in for a rough road ahead and made an appointment with my young & handsome doctor of 6 years so that I could refill all my "meds" and see if he had anything to add :) After 6 yrs together he knew my CRAZY & I loved him for it! The night before my Monday morning appointment I received a call that my appointment needed to be canceled because my 44 yr old, fit, healthy doctor had died. WTF!!! I needed meds, I needed him! He wasn't just my PCP, he was my friend, therapist, doctor all in one. As you can imagine, I did not (still not) handling this well. Nor have I found another doctor and I need refills! A week goes by and I think about finding a doctor to fill my meds but I never do. Instead I run around trying to get Easter together for the kids before I need to be in the car to NJ to celebrate Easter. Oh, during this week, my dad isn't doing well, the husband's aunt is super sick, my SIL is scheduled to have a c-section & Marg and I celebrate our bdays. Yes, it is okay to laugh as you think of what living with me that week must have been like:) Finally we make it to NJ the Saturday before Easter. The day was uneventful, thankfully. My MIL did the Easter stuff with the monsters and I went to bed early. Easter morning came, the monsters ate lots of candy & hunted for hidden eggs. All seemed to be moving in the right direction until my sister called ME on her bday before I could call her. Her message...Dad is back in the hospital and you need to come here NOW. What do we do? Hop in the car of course and drive back to VA after 24 hrs in NJ, unpack & repack for our second driving trip to FL in a month. 16 hours in the car with three kids, a crazy wife & a husband that does nothing but drive is AWESOME! We did it, we got to FL on Monday night and intended to spend our week of Spring Break there. Ten days passed and we were still in FL and the kids were off one random day the following week so it became a two week stay in FL. I spent my time trying to help my mom & sister by running my dad to and from the doctor and get the care he needed and the husband and monsters visited park after park in the area. With my husband, I decided that we needed to get the kiddos back home and back into school and then I would come back to FL. When we left FL on Friday night, I left my mom with my dad back in the hospital knowing that we were seeing the end of his fight. The doctor had told us the week earlier that our time with him was running out. That we were now talking about weeks to months left. Nearly 4 yrs after finding a small tumor in his lung my father's body could no longer win the battle. That was two weeks and 2 days ago. My father has been dead for 11 days. It has been one week since we were in NJ to hold a "Celebration of his Life".

The Perfect Family

In my mind the "perfect family" would be a mix of early colonial American Housing(everyone stuffed into a one room log cabin), the 1950ʻs "Leave It To Beaver" (Dadʻs commute was 10mins and mom had fresh cookies every afternoon) & all the technologies American family can enjoy today. I wish my extended family all lived in the same town and that we had family dinners every Sunday after church. Holidays would last days and include aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws and anyone else that needed a place to go. Thatʻs NOT my family. To start, I live 30 miles from my nearest relative & he is a second cousin that I see more often when I travel 5 hours back to NJ than I do here. The remaining majority of my family is spread across the Eastern Seaboard. Five hours one way and fifteen the other but there are those few that "broke away" and flowed West. Most of my family I go years without seeing, you know the wedding & funeral crowd, that is our relationship now. This is not what I imagined my family to look like; me, my husband and children living hundreds of miles from our parents and siblings. With little to no relationship with the cousins I grew up with as best-friends and hardly knowing my nieces & nephews, but that is what I have. As I move from Thanksgiving that was spent at home, just the five of us, I hope that Christmas and the coming year will find me closer to this "Perfect Family" I think I want:)

Happy for the Weekend

I may be the only person that willingly rises early on Saturday & Sunday morning. 6:30am, I am up letting the dogs out, calling my mom, cleaning up and enjoying the quiet in the house. Sure I have the house to myself ALL week from 845-330, but itʻs just not the same. During the week I have to get up, out of bed and TRY to get three grouchy monsters showered & out the door. Not on the weekends. On the weekends I get to enjoy a slow morning, quiet time with my mom and I have the added bonus of the monsters waking when THEY want and being happy most of the day! Maybe that is what makes weekends so good for me, time spent with a HAPPY Family, MY happy family. My well rested, un-rushed family. Although I am not sure how I married a night owl, had three kids and I am the ONLY morning person in the family:) Most nights now I am in bed asleep before ALL of them! Itʻs over now, I here a monster stirring...It is 915 so I guess I cannot be too disappointed:)

Who Are My "People"

This morning I was texting with my mom and we starting talking about how few "people" we we have in our lives. What I noticed is that neither of us have many "people" anymore. The other thing I noticed is that the past 6 months has really shed a light on what kind of "people" I want in my life and what to give my time to. Because Time is the one thing you can never get back, I donʻt want to waste a single moment on people that donʻt deserve it. Mortality is a scary thought, but a much needed one every so often. When it gives you that "Why am I doing this" thought, it is time to take a look. So I did. Thank You to MY "People"!

Itʻs Not Personal-

What does that even mean? Tell me then how one is to take rude, mean ,self-involved people if not personal? As a person that has bad days and mood swings, I know I can take things out on the wrong person, but I still would NOT tell them not to take it personally. You should take it personally. Take it personally that someone either thinks so much of you that you are a safe place for them to let-off-steam or that they think so LITTLE of you that treating you like total and complete CRAP makes them feel like a bigger person. Take it either way, but either way it is personal.

And Today With the Real Housewives of AH...

Explain to me how people that have not spoken to you for months, except to put you down or ask you for something have the nerve to sit with you for 2 hours as if youʻre bffs? Well, sometimes we were bffs & other times it was as if we were meeting for the very first time. Itʻs interesting when these are people that you spent day after day with for some time. So, you sit there wondering when you should speak and what you should speak to. Do you make small-talk? Do you just go straight to business? Such decisions. I decided to keep to business without sarcasm, except when the options were between sarcasm & slapping:) I left the meeting with more questions than answers, tighter shoulders, a sore back and a headache. I guess thatʻs progress, there were no tears and the anger was now just stress. When it was over I picked the monsters up & was almost happy to hear them fight on the way home, all the things that cam out of theirs mouths were things I had wished I could have said at my meeting. Things like "Youʻre a stupid head" and "I hate you" and my favorite "DONʻT EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN" to be a kid again. Hell, who am I kidding I would call my brother or sister up right now and do the same thing after a bad day! One of the best gifts my parents ever gave me, my brother & sister. Built in punching-bags for life!LOL!

Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day. I spent mine with the monsters & my Hunna. It was a quiet day. We didn't do anything special. There was some fighting amongst the monsters. Killian gave me extra hugs. Declan asked what he could do to help me all day & Maggie read to me. It was a nice day.

It does seem that the week to follow will bring more drama for the reality show I now live in "The Real Housewives of AH" & let me tell you that the OC, NY & NJ have nothing on this cast. This is the "Bible Belt" version wherein the majority of the cast claim to be Great Christians while lying, cheating, gossiping and bullying yet they all head to mass every week:) It is quite an adventure. I think I will start sharing the cast & story lines with all of you. It is wild & so unbelievable! I'll have to give some thought to this:)

Back to the gym tomorrow! My foot is feeling better. I'm happy about that.