Maybe Itʻs Working

For months I have been actively searching for ways to cope with the stress in my life. Yeah, Iʻm the kinda person that stresses about EVERYTHING! You name it, I stress over it. It is crazy and unhealthy, but yesterday was a great test for my stress-reduction methods and it seems to be working.

Yesterday I had so many of my regular stressors thrown at me and I was fine. I never had an anxiety attack, didnʻt loose a bit of sleep and never even got angry. I easily processed all the information I was given and then let-it-go. It was an amazing feeling. Normally, I would have "talked" this all to death and over analyzed it. I would have kept the husband up half the night listening to me work through it all, but instead I was asleep by 10 and slept peacefully through until 7am:)

I am not sure if this is the wave of the future, but I hope so. It was/is an incredible feeling to recognize, process and release stress from my life. Committed meditation & Tia-Chi maybe the answer for me!

Today is gonna be a good day...even if I have to see the meanest doctor ever:)

Trying To Get The Word Out!

Stafford County, VA...

Their is a Special Education Parent Teacher Association(SEPTA) Forming NOW!!!!

If you are a Parent or Teacher in the county and would like more information on this Group or would like to join, please come to the organizational meeting next week.



YOUʻRE INVITED!!!!

What: Organizational Meeting for SEPTA

DATE: Tuesday July 26

PLACE: Austin Ridge Community Center

TIME: 7:00pm

Home, in Virginia.

Ben, the monsters & I spent the past five days in New Jersey where we both grew-up. It was a our annual "summer trip" to the Jersey Shore to visit the family we both have left in the area. We stayed with my in-laws who were more than accommodating, as we once again successfully destroyed their clean & peaceful home. We do preform this same ritual when we head to Florida and stay with my parents. We destroy & disrupt these houses. And we do this because these are no longer OUR HOMES, this is not where we live. So when we come to town it means we not only visit our parents, but all the extended family we have too!!! And this usually occurs at the host parentʻs home:)

Let me explain. Until very recently, I viewed where my parents lived as "home". It didnʻt matter that my parents moved from NJ to FL or that Benʻs parents didnʻt live in the same house in NJ "home" was the house our parents were living in. I donʻt feel this way anymore. Now, home is Virginia. Home is "The Nut House" where I live with MY FAMILY, with Ben, the monsters, our pups and even our fish:) Home is where the mess gets made and WE have to clean it up. The place that extended family comes to visit us. Where the monsters go to school & where we belong to the community.

New Jersey isnʻt home anymore, it is the place where I grew up. Itʻs a place my family travels to visit our extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. Just like Florida isnʻt my home, it is my parents home, where we again go to visit our extended family. Our home is in Virginia.

It is a curious feeling to call Virginia Home and an incredible realization that your parents & siblings are now extended family, instead of immediate. It seems odd that Ben & I have lived in the DC metro area for 16 years, our monsters are 9,8 & 6 and I am just now recognizing these changes. I think I have been toying with these thoughts and emotions for sometime, but part of me thought that if I never said(or wrote) it out-loud, some how it wasnʻt real. However, now by making this acknowledgement it means that I am take the final step into adulthood.

I am Home, in Virginia with my family.

I Missed That Lesson!

I have three monsters. Declan is 9, Killi 8 & Margaret, the "baby" is 6. And as the "baby" and at six, she is and has always been treated like the "baby". Sure, plenty of people tried to warn me of the pitfalls of this action. Hell, I lived it with my brother who is 5 yrs younger than my sister and 7 yrs younger than me. I know what this looks like clingy, spoiled, mean-to-everyone MONSTER!!!! I used the phrase "just let her have/do/see it just to shut her up, more than I ever imagined it could be used. So, given the fact that I recognize that I have done this one must assume that I would NOT make this mistake again, but...I HAVE!!!!

Pepe, Killiʻs(my) sweet little puppy has now become my second Maggie. He pushes the kids away when they try to love my. He steals toys from Gus and the monsters. And just as we broke Marg from crying at the door when I leave, Pepe now sits at the door and barks and cries when I leave him at home with Ben and the monsters. Itʻs crazy!

The other night I went out and when I got home it was reported to me that Pepe cried for the entire 3 hours I was gone. He also fought with Declan about going to bed(he sleeps in his crate next to me:) Once in the crate, no one could sleep because he barked and whined until I walked in the door.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET THIS HAPPEN TWICE!!! I said after my brother I was NOT going to do this and now I have not done it once, but I have done it TWICE!!!!! Do you think their is a class I can sign myself and the "babies" up for to break this forever? I wonder it Declan, Killi & Gus wish they were the "babies"? And if my brother has not grown-out of being the "baby" at 29, is there any hope that I can break the 6 yr old monster and 9 month old puppy? For the monster I can at least say that she is well mannered and behaved in public for the most part, maybe that should be my goal for the puppy:)

This I have learned, I will bring no more babies human or other animal, into the mix here. No more until this lesson is learned!

Or maybe I should just project all my "babying traits" on to sweet Baby Marshall...Vicky would LOVE that, Duncan & Z too!LOL!

Itʻs Been Too Long.

I have not blogged in some time and trust me, it is NOT because I cannot find things to write about:) I have been hesitant to blog sometimes with all my posts going directly to FB. I stop and think all to often if I REALLY want EVERYONE to see my thoughts, but now I have decided that people donʻt have to read my blog if they donʻt want to and how many people from FB take the time to hope over and read it. With that said, I am going to try to get back to blogging regularly since it relieves some of my stress to bitch "out loud".

The school year is 5 days away from being over and I am both happy and sad about this. I am so happy not having to get up and be somewhere in the morning, but I also donʻt want to waste the summer away sitting at the pool and sleeping in. I want to be disciplined enough to have the kids read some books and continue learning their sight words, but structure, discipline and follow through are NOT my strongest areas:)

I am pretty much a quitter. When things get tough or require some effort, I really have no desire to do them anymore. This, I know is an awful trait that I need to find a way to change. I wonder what other people have inside of them that makes them so devoted and willing to work so hard and why I donʻt. I try to remember before I started taking meds if I had that drive, sometimes I even stop taking them to see if that is it, but that never ends well;) I wonder if it is because I have never been pushed hard enough or needed to work for what I needed or really for what I want. Whatever the reason, I want to change it. I want to "want" enough to follow through, to work hard, to put my all into something, I just donʻt know how to get started.

The Worst Part of Nats Baseball-

Baseball is my favorite sport to watch in person, really anywhere; but I really enjoy going to baseball games. I enjoy to baseball games and watching the game. I like to be in my sit when the first pitch is thrown and do my best to stay there until the last pitch crosses the plate. Well, fans here in DC, do not enjoy baseball that way or any other sport. They ALWAYS arrive late! For football it is the middle to end of the 1st quarter, basketball is the same so it is not surprising that baseball fans(a term I hesitate to use) do not arrive until somewhere between the 1st and 3rd innings. That however is not the biggest issue with these "fans". My biggest issue, is that they come and go during the inning.

You heard me correctly, they not only come late to the game, but they walk to their seats right in the middle of an at-bat. Thatʻs right, imagine if you will, the count is 3-2, bases-loaded with 2 outs, hereʻs the wind-up and...And you donʻt know anymore because some sport-ignorant jackasses, decided it is a good time to take their seats right at that moment. And NO my Jersey friends, I am not making this up and NO this is not a once-a-game thing.

Last night, after missing several critical plays, I had beer spilled down my back(in the middle of an inning) and I decided it was time, after 6 seasons of baseball in DC, that these "fans" learn basic "baseball manners". I turned to the 4 idiots trying get seated and spilling beer on me and lost it. I yelled, I cursed and I explained how this would play out in the Bronx- and I am happy to report that this did make some all-be-it not enough, progress in my attempts to teach "baseball manners" to Nats Fans.

What I just donʻt understand is how these "fans" just donʻt see how rude it is to come/go or stand and chat in the middle of play. And if it that they are really so ignorant not to know understand common-fan behavior, it is time for the Nationals to convey these to their fans, for their own safety. Because if the Nats ever gain a real following and their fans were to travel to other ballparks to support them, they would end up getting their asses kicked! Honestly, imagine acting this way at a Mets or Yankee game, a Phillies or Red Sox Game- Maybe thatʻs what they need to understand Baseball etiquette, a fieldtrip to Citi Field to see Their Washington Nationals take on The NY Mets:) Bet they would become fast learners!!!!

A Long Time Coming.

I have always claimed not to care what others thought of me, what I have to come to understand as I have gotten older is that it is not an entirely true statement. I have spent the past few weeks deep in self-evaluation and reflection and to say that I was disappointed in what I saw would be an understatement. A weak, self-doubting, insecure, depressed lamb following a huge herd of sheep, that is what I had become. A person so wrapped up in what others thought of me that I changed me and the changes were not ones that were in the best interest of my family.

Here is what I know, I want people to like and respect me, but as I am and if I need to "change" or "conform" for people to like me, then they really donʻt like me do they? And itʻs okay for people not to like me, there are plenty of people that I donʻt like. What I refuse to do anymore is play games. Games of make believe and fairytale are NOT who I am, and I have never been. I like the "tell it as it is" kind of world where there are winners and losers and not everybody gets a trophy. A place of respect and consideration, not fake friendships in a Stepford world.

Another thing I know is that when people that have been in your life for 20+ years start questioning who you are and comment on how much youʻve changed, it is time to reflect and understand what you have changed for. And not all changes are bad, but mine were bad for me. The changes in me were bad because I began to abandon myself, my core beliefs and values. For the first time in my life I had become a "Nobody", Jane Doe, with few opinions and indecisive. I had gotten so beaten down that I could barely have a political conversation and hold my ground, forget the big things like parenting decisions. Hell, I have become so passive aggressive that my daughter has lost an entire year of school because I have been too weak to fight for her! Itʻs amazing that Ben has not had me committed yet, I donʻt think he has ever gotten to make as many parenting decisions as he has these past few months. I have even begun calling him at work when the kids are sick to see if it is okay that they stay home, WTF???? And yes, that is usually his response when I call and ask him:)

Now I think I am ready to regain my spirit, myself. Armed with the best sleep I have had in years over the past two weeks, I am ready. I am ready to step outside with my head held high, my convictions to stand on and a better understanding of myself. I am now back on MY track instead of the one most traveled. I have refocused in the right direction, my husband and monsters and the life I want for them. The family that Ben & I want to have. And if that is similar to other people thatʻs fine and if it is completely different, that is fine too.