A Long Time Coming.

I have always claimed not to care what others thought of me, what I have to come to understand as I have gotten older is that it is not an entirely true statement. I have spent the past few weeks deep in self-evaluation and reflection and to say that I was disappointed in what I saw would be an understatement. A weak, self-doubting, insecure, depressed lamb following a huge herd of sheep, that is what I had become. A person so wrapped up in what others thought of me that I changed me and the changes were not ones that were in the best interest of my family.

Here is what I know, I want people to like and respect me, but as I am and if I need to "change" or "conform" for people to like me, then they really donʻt like me do they? And itʻs okay for people not to like me, there are plenty of people that I donʻt like. What I refuse to do anymore is play games. Games of make believe and fairytale are NOT who I am, and I have never been. I like the "tell it as it is" kind of world where there are winners and losers and not everybody gets a trophy. A place of respect and consideration, not fake friendships in a Stepford world.

Another thing I know is that when people that have been in your life for 20+ years start questioning who you are and comment on how much youʻve changed, it is time to reflect and understand what you have changed for. And not all changes are bad, but mine were bad for me. The changes in me were bad because I began to abandon myself, my core beliefs and values. For the first time in my life I had become a "Nobody", Jane Doe, with few opinions and indecisive. I had gotten so beaten down that I could barely have a political conversation and hold my ground, forget the big things like parenting decisions. Hell, I have become so passive aggressive that my daughter has lost an entire year of school because I have been too weak to fight for her! Itʻs amazing that Ben has not had me committed yet, I donʻt think he has ever gotten to make as many parenting decisions as he has these past few months. I have even begun calling him at work when the kids are sick to see if it is okay that they stay home, WTF???? And yes, that is usually his response when I call and ask him:)

Now I think I am ready to regain my spirit, myself. Armed with the best sleep I have had in years over the past two weeks, I am ready. I am ready to step outside with my head held high, my convictions to stand on and a better understanding of myself. I am now back on MY track instead of the one most traveled. I have refocused in the right direction, my husband and monsters and the life I want for them. The family that Ben & I want to have. And if that is similar to other people thatʻs fine and if it is completely different, that is fine too.