Enlightened.

While on the phone with a friend this morning I was given a different view on Catholic Faith and my continued search of what is "real". Most people who know me/us know that as a family we attend Catholic Church and the monsters attend CCD weekly. You also know that I went back Catholic, which is what I was raised, because I found it comfortable. There are plenty of things I disagree with in the Catholic Doctrine and there are many unanswered questions I have; but wanting to have my children receive religious education and talking honestly & openly with my priest, I decided I could have a home at St. Francis if I wanted it for myself and my family. Now we are there, attending mass & CCD regularly. Some weeks we go to mass and I find I leave annoyed and/or angry about the message for the week, but I know that is alright because at the very least I have opened my mind and I am thinking about what I heard. I admit, there are still some weeks I leave I disagree so strongly with what was taught that I wonder what I am doing there:)

One question I ponder regularly is about people suffering from disease; aids, cancer, depression, polio, autism, truly this list could go on for pages, but I think you get the point:) I wonder, if God is so good and powerful, would he not cure these people or eliminate disease? Today I have an answer that I am almost willing to accept. The answer given: That God has chosen a path for those people, who are suffering, to live a life similar to his. A life that may seem difficult here on Earth as Jesusʻ life was when he was beaten, tortured & crucified. Jesus lived that life to help others and was rewarded by ascending to Heaven and so maybe the suffering on Earth is just that for those with disease. Maybe God has chosen those people to suffer because he believes they can and he knows that others will learn and be touched by that. And then for their suffering on Earth they too are rewarded with a seat in Heaven. A seat that is there waiting for them as Jesusʻ waited for him.

I donʻt know if this is true or not, but I know that it is more than I had to go on. As I have been very personally touched by cancer recently through friends and family, I want something to hold on to. Hope. Peace. Hell, maybe it is finally FAITH. I am not sure how long I can keep this thought, but I know I have it now and thatʻs enough for now.

Winter Blues!

I don't think the sun ever shines and it is always below 40 degrees! It is only the fist half of January and I am already depressed and desperate for Spring. I know being really sick for the past two weeks is making this worse, but MY GOD, I don't know how in the world I am going to make it to March! I think I am going to have to break-down and buy one of those "sun lamps" this year!

The problem now is that I am starting to feel better, but don't want to leave the house and go any where that people might be for fear of new germs! I am also trying to save money for vacation, so I am avoiding stores:) It is too cold and gray to be outside so I stay in the house ALL THE TIME! You would think that would make my house incredibly clean and organized; you would be wrong. This is because last week I was in bed with my "itises" and this week I am too lazy and depressed to do it :) So instead I sit at the table "doing" school work & watching "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" on Netflix and wonder how much I HAVE TO DO so that my husband does not think I am totally and completely useless.

Each and every day I go to bed with grand hopes of a better tomorrow, a productive and positive day; then I get up, drop the monsters at school, decided it is cold and gray and come back in and lock the door. I think about getting on the treadmill or yoga and always promise myself some meditation, but then it is 3:00pm, time to get the monsters and I have not showered(again) or walked or meditated. Maybe tomorrow I think and so today I say maybe tomorrow.

Here's to hoping it really is tomorrow~

Tomorrow I Re-Enter the World, Maybe

With my "everything you can get in an URI" illness subsiding, I have made plans with my favorite 8 years old tomorrow afternoon. I am planning to get out of bed and stay out of it most of the day tomorrow:) I want to drop the monsters at school, straighten-up the house, shower and grab my girl for a lunch date and some "Mommy & Killi Time"! With three monsters, it is not always easy to spend time alone with them, so every so-often, I grab some time. I say it is for them, but I think I get as much from the one-on-one as they do, if not more.

So, here's to hoping that tomorrow brings me improved health and a fun day with sweet girl.

Maybe, Just Maybe I am Starting to Feel Better?

It has been a week today that I started feeling sick. Wait, only a WEEK???? It seems like it has been WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS especially if you were to hear my husband & monsters tell the story. Those poor souls have only had about half my attention and devotion instead of the usual 99%. I admit that they have been eating all the "easy" (read:unhealthy:) meals I can make like mac & cheese and chicken nuggets & fries, but hey, I am doing my best here.

This morning I woke up and felt a bit better, but more tired than yesterday. I hesitated to mention this to my family as I fear they will take my slight improvement as a sign that I should get back to work and I am just not ready yet :) I am sure this is not really true, the husband has been very supportive and the monsters, have been not awful, but I know they are getting frustrated with this bout of illness as it seems to be just the newest in a very long list. I mean this has been my second bout of laryngitis in December, so I get that they are over this, I am too!!! But of course i have convinced myself that they are plotting a coup and looking for a new HOH (head of House:). The paranoia comes courtesy of the steroids & albuterol that I have been taking in order to breathe, and yes the family LOVES this too (especially the husband who is SO busy at work and trying to pick up the slack at home:) None of this is making him want to run away:)

I have have set a goal for myself to remain in bed or very quiet until Saturday, even if I wake up tomorrow and feel great, I am going to take it easy. If by Friday I am not feeling better, I will go back to the doctor. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to get better! I am going to give myself the time to heal. I want to be done with illness for a few months:)

Just Ridiculous !!!

After about 5 days of being sick, I woke up this morning and was feeling better. I was so happy to be feeling better that I happily woke with Ben and Pepe at 630am. I got the dishes done before I woke the monsters, switched laundry, then nicely woke each monster quietly in hopes of easing them back into school. After dropping them at school, a trip on which both pups joined us, I came home exercised, showered, made myself lunch, read a bit for school and started dinner before picking the monsters up again.

Well, once I sat down in the car to head over to get those monsters, I started feeling BAD again, really bad. At that point I just figured that maybe I had done too much today and needed to rest; and that was fine since dinner was already roasting and the house clean. All I needed to do was spend time with my monsters and put dinner on the table.

Before we made it the 3 miles home from school, I realized, with the help of Killi "Mommy, I thought your voice came back, now it left again?", that my voice was again GONE! Still, I was okay, all I needed to do was spend time loving my monsters and take dinner out of the oven. I did that! I even read a book to Killi and bathed Pepe, I was doing great! Then I wasn't doing so great. I got really achy, noticed my ears were very clogged and my chest hurt so bad everytime I coughed I wanted to cry! So, I decided that when Ben got home from work and after I tucked the monsters in, I would finally go to the Urgent Care.

At 7ish, I headed to the UC, it was PACKED! I instead went to the ER, ended up being just as packed I think. I walked in, they looked me over, handed me a mask to wear and there I sat for the next 3.5 hours. After Blood & x rays, and lots of time in the waiting room, I was told that I have pneumonia( but only a very small spot:), sinus infection, ear infection, laryngitis and bronchitis. Once they had uncovered all of that, they were kind enough to shoot me up with an antibiotic, start my steroid, give me pain meds and do a breathing treatment all so I would not need meds again until morning, that way I could go straight home and to bed.

That was 2.5 hours AGO!!! How the heck am I gonna sleep hopped up on all that albuterol & steroid :) The coughing has slowed a bit and breathing feels much easier, so I will take it! They offered to admit me, but I declined on promise of taking it easy the next few days and coming back if I got worse or did not improve in 48 hours or so.

When I finally get through this one, I am going to my doctor and find out what is wrong with my immune system (besides clearly NOT having one:). I have really had enough of every cold turning into something more and lasting FOREVER! Forget those other resolutions I made, the only one I have & will keep is to find out why my immune system SUCKS! I will keep eating better and exercising because I believe that will help my immune system so all that time posting last week was not for nothing:)


Please let tomorrow bring improvement in my health! I will sit and rest ALL (okay most) of the day! Just bring my voice back! Take the pain from my chest! I will take just one, a small one even, I just need a sign of improvement!

We Are Set!

Last April Ben and I decided that it was time for us to go away without the monsters, so we exchanged our Orlando timeshare for Oahu. We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii and have not been back since Declan was 10 months old, too long to be away! We were so excited to get the exchange and started looking for airfare. We expected fares to be between $400-600 a person but we were so wrong, it was more like $800-1,000 a person!!! That was something we were having a really hard time swallowing. Then, to make matters worse, Ben starting saying things like "Hawaii is really far away" and "do you really think you are going to be able to leave the kids and go so far away", I wanted to kill him! Of course after that I did not want to travel THAT far away without the monsters, but now what? I did not have $5000 for airfare but I really wanted to go to Hawaii! I have my entire next semester of school arranged around my trip to Hawaii!

Today it all came together! We caught a great sale on American Airlines and used a coupon from the entertainment book and got airfare for the entire family to Oahu! I am so excited, the girls are so excited, Ben still wishes we were traveling without monsters, but happy about Hawaii and Declan...hopefully he'll come around, he thinks there will be too many sharks:)

I am very excited that we are going to be able to enjoy Hawaii with the monsters! It is one of my favorite places I have ever been! I know they will love it...after the 15 hours it takes us to get there:)