Remembering

While on vacation last week, I had a dream about a boy I know that committed suicide during my Senior Year of High School. I am not sure what triggered the dream and subsequent memories, but it had been a long time since I thought so much about him.

His name was Jason. I had know him most of my life, my aunt and his mom were very good friends so I saw him often. Once I started school, we were in class together. He was my partner for kindergarten graduation:) I invited him to my birthday every year(when I was young;-) and for my 8th birthday he gave me a silver butterfly bracelet and necklace. I loved it! When I was in 5th grade, I switched schools and saw him less but as I said our families were friends and town was small, so it was never long before I saw him again. I remember often running into him at the boardwalk, he was always riding is dirt-bike up there on summer evenings.

I remember the last time I saw him, it was at the Quick-Check near my house, he stopped(on his bike)on his way home from the beach. We said "hi" asked about each others families and then went on our separate ways. A few months after that meeting, in the early morning, my aunt called to tell my mother the news of his passing. He had written a note, taken his father's gun and ended his life.

I remember being sad when it happened, but I think I am sadder now looking back on it. I am sad for his parents and brother who have had to go on without him. Sad for him that he could see no other way.

I am not sure what made me think of him, but I glad I did. I am glad to remember our time together and also see how lucky I am for being here right now.

RIP Jason.

Simplifying Life

I must be getting old or maybe I have stumbled on some wisdom:) Things in my world are changing. Big Changes. Good Changes. Difficult Changes. Changes none-the-less. Things that I thought were important no longer seem that way and the simply things in life are looking more appealing. Spending time with my family and friends(haha, friends:)Teaching my kids what is important in life, that is what I want to do!

We have a great deal going on activity wise in the Family and a schedule/routine will need to be found, but I also want to make Family Fun Time; camping,day trips, movie nights lots of quality bonding:)

I want to learn how to live in the moment, enjoy life! Change the way I prioritize things. Remember what is really important!

Wish me Luck!

If I Believed...

I think if I believed in heaven and hell, hell would be all that is wrong and unpleasant in the world and heaven all the good things we have. Personally, I still searching for answers. What I do believe is that the petty, back-stabling bull shit that goes on is not Heaven. In fact, it is not remotely entertaining. Well, maybe that is a lie. It is slightly entertaining to watch people trip over themselves back-pedaling:)

I am tired! Tired of being in pain! Tired of being lied to! Tired of having to try so hard to be nice to people! A cave might be nice. A cool, quiet, dark cave! Hibernation!!! That is what I need!

I cannot stress enough that I was not prepared for this part of parenting! The part where I was going to have to play nice with others. I have never played well with others. Especially on their terms. I like to be able to take my ball and go home when I am done playing. Holding my tongue is also not a strong suit of mine. I like to throw out what is on my mind and like to see what comes back...that is until it stopped coming back and instead wrapped around the pole before returning with lots of changes! I miss directness; because even if the truth stings for a second it is so much better than the slow tear that continues to bite!

I am tired! Tired of fakeness and lies, back-stabbing and bull sh*t! I want to be done. I want to close my eyes and sleep with no pain or stress. With thoughts of heaven in my head. I want to enjoy what I have and ignore the rest. I want to smile more and cry less. I want to be happy and I know that only I can make myself happy! When tomorrow comes, I will be happy. I will enjoy my monsters! I will enjoy my life. I will decrease my stress and negativity.

I am tired!

Dental Work!

I know I have been very neglectful of my blog lately, but I am going to try to get back to it!

This weekend was supposed to be our big family camping trip out to the Eastern Shore. We didn't make it! Instead, I got an emergency trip to the dentist on Saturday for a toothache I was having! I expected to get there and be given some antibiotics and an appointment later in the week for some work. That is not what happened at all! What happened was I waited for over an hour to see the dentist and when I got in there he decided that I needed one root canal and one extraction and oh-by-the-way, we would do that all NOW! The root canal wasn't bad, the shots of Novocaine were worse(a total of 16 for the 2 procedures). The extraction was a different story. It was the wisdom tooth on the bottom left. It was impacted and decayed so that was not making it easy! The dentist called it a level 4 soft tissue extraction. That didn't sound good, but when he had to stop for a bigger scalpel I was really nervous! There was alot of cutting and pulling and when the tooth came out there was LOTS of blood! All over the dentist and me! The little bib did not catch it all and when I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I saw more blood than I had ever imagined! Oh yeah, there are stitches too:)

Anyway, I left the office with an antibiotic that will surely give me a yeast infection and a script for vicodin that I cannot take! I was expecting to feel better by now, but I am not. My face is still swollen and warm to the touch. I will see the dentist in the morning to make sure all is well as my stitches seem to be out and hanging in my mouth. This was not fun! Not a fun weekend at all! If only I had taken better care of my teeth(if dental insurance wasn't sooo expensive)!

Really Cool!

For those who don't know, my grandfather was a National League Umpire. It was really neat growing up having the chance to experience baseball up-close like I did. My grandfather's name was Billy Williams or NL UMP #24 as his personalized plates read:)Some of the greatest childhood memories I have involve going to baseball games at Shea Stadium and Veterans Stadium to watch my grandfather and then visit with him after the game. After the games, when we were waiting from him to clean-up, we would stand in the tunnels and watch the grounds crews clean-up the field. It was an awesome feeling to be standing there, looking at the stadium near empty and so close to the field. Often times players walked by on there way to the locker room or headed home, but I was rarely phased as it was common-place:) I did later find out that not everyone did this:) And it was very cool in 1986 when the Mets were Great and we were lucky enough to go and see so many games! My brother was even lucky enough to meet some of the players!

To get to the point, this week on the MLB Network, there were re-plays are many All Star Games, so I started looking into what All Star Games my grandfather had worked in hopes of being able to tape one to show my children. Through my research I stumbled across a book called, "As They See 'Em: A Fan's Travels in the Land of Umpires" by Bruce Weber. I could not get to the book store fast enough to buy it, because the excerpt was about my grandfather! It was beyond cool!!! Reading the book as brought back so many great childhood memories!

If you have a sec, look up the book and read the excerpt!

Learning...

Right now I need a place to "express" myself. I seem to be having trouble doing this as of late without ruffling a great number of feathers. I don't mind the ruffling part as much as I mind the expectation from others that I should a. care that I have ruffled b. apologize for ruffling and c. sensor myself.

Well, here is what I am NOT, I am not one to beat-around-the-bush. I am not ever going to be voted most popular. I am not a follower. I am not weak. I am not controlled by my husband.

What I am is, straight-forward, nondiscriminatory, a nurturer, passionate, intelligent, strong, explosive.

What I am trying to be is, conscience of how my life choice effect the very few people that are my life. I am trying to understand that not everyone is as strong as I am. I am trying to remember that small-town politics suck! I am trying to remember to trust Nobody outside my house.

With each stage I move though in life the lessons seem to be much the same and I have never been very good at falling-in-line and I am not sure I will ever be able to do so...you know what, I know I won't be able to and I don't want to. I don't want to live in Stepford, but I don't want my children to suffer because of that so where does that leave me? Right now it leaves me up at 2am wondering. Wondering, but knowing that no matter what I do or say I have a husband that will love and support that fact that I have opinions of my own and a right to express them!

A Few Things...

We are back home after 15 VERY long days at the in-laws. The trips up there, and anywhere family is involved in sharing living space with us, has become difficult for us. We are not a huge family, but there are five of us, and I will admit we have a LARGE family footprint:) Because of that, staying at other people's homes for more than 3/4 days is too much!

Ben and I are also finding it more difficult to travel to or with family as the kids get older. I know this may seem strange as you would think things would get easier as they get old and traveling in general has, but not when family is involved. The reason for this(for us) is that we live far away from family and only see them a few times a year. We have come to rely on friends and neighbors for babysitting and other "emergencies" because we had to. We have been VERY fortunate to have found a few really GREAT friends that have stepped up in ways you think only family will:) What the downside to this is that our families do not see how our children are raised day-in and day-out and when we are with them that is made very clear! From what they can eat when to what they can watch on tv, things that they would know if they were more involved. And I know that it is not by choice that we live so far away, but it makes it hard for me and the kids. To hear you kids being yelled at for having a snack in between breakfast and lunch(when they have been playing in the pool for hours)it is annoying! And then 20 minutes later you find your 7 year old watching CN(not allowed at our house)you just wonder!

The solution we have decided on is no more than 4 days with family, it is too much! We will spend our vacations as a family...the 5 of us! We don't spend enough time doing fun things together anyway!