And Itʻs Over.

I played along. I smiled. Hugged & kissed everyone. Sent the monsters to school in Valentiney Stuff. Now I am DONE. I am over it. I am tired. And honestly, it was exhausting to be that happy & cheery all day. I donʻt mind Valentineʻs Day, but it not on my top 10 list thatʻs for sure. People are all...smiling, happy, gushing love and for what? For people to spend money to "remind" either themselves or those in their live that they love them? Does me driving & picking them up for school everyday not say that? What about making dinner? doing their laundry? playdates? Engaging them in their mid-life crisis? sharing my bed???? Donʻt all these things say I Love You? I think they do.

So, I am done smiling & hugging & kissing & using kind words for the night. I want to head back to my trashcan and be grouchy. This 70 degree day with all its Love & Sunshine needs to GO! Tomorrow I will not smile at all! No matter a cute or sweet or loving or kind the monsters are! I will stay strong! Sourness All Around!

Hope everyone had a Great Valentineʻs Day!

School Award Day or Groundhog Day?

My girls out awards at school today. They were very excited to get them. For Maggie, it was her very first school award & Killi is always excited about getting awards, but who isnʻt:) Maggie received her award for responsibility, yes I know, Stop laughing now...Yes, she does take after her Aunt Megan and is a completely different child at school than at home. I am very proud of her and I am glad she knows the correct way to act and does sometimes:)

Now for Killi. Drum-roll please, wait...Not needed, this is the same and only award she has ever won. 3 years in a row now! Kindergarten, 1st grade and now 2nd grade...OUTSTANDING EFFORT AWARD! For those of you that do not have children or at least not children at the same school as mine, let me break this award down for you. This award is better known as the YOU REALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING WELL, BUT HECK YOUʻRE NICE AND SWEET AND YOU DO KEEP TRYING AWARD. And maybe this is not the case for every student that receives this award, but in my world that is how it feels.

I hear ALL the time how sweet and kind my Killi is. How she works so hard, but still cannot keep her head-above-water. How she is always the first to help others. And the only Award she can manage is OUTSTANDING EFFORT?

I know that some people will read this and not understand why I am upset so let me lay it out Jersey Style....To me this award is like hearing "We are going out tonight and in case you forgot, YOU ARE the grenade". Iʻm just sayinʻ, thatʻs how it feels to me.

Now to be fair, Killi does not seem to get that yet and she is still just happy to be receiving an award and that I get to come to school to see her receive it. And I am not sure she will ever see it the way I do, because she is a sweet, kind, innocent, perfect girl:)

Ronald Reagan, What I am Celebrating on 100 Years.

While I have only lived under seven Presidents in my lifetime and can really only remember Reagan-Obama; I have been eligible to vote in only 5 Presidential elections, I have been fortunate enough to meet one President and say without hesitation that Ronald Reagan is MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT thus far.

As I have mentioned many times, I am a cultural & political junkie(yes, I know DORKY:), but I am. With this said, I have spent much time over the past few months watching footage of Reaganʻs Speeches and interviews and listening to others reflect on their experiences with him and I have wondered what do I find so Great about this man. What I came up with surprised me some, mostly because it took me so long to put together.

I admire, respect, appreciate and thank Ronald Reagan because he reminds me of my father, well aside from that fact that my dad is a lifetime Democrat & Liberal NUT:) No, my father was never President or a Hollywood Actor, Governor or Public Speaker, but what he is, is a Great Communicator, a Great Patriot, an Optimist, a Protector and an honest man. It is true that I only knew Ronald Reagan as President, what I saw on television or in movies, but when I saw/heard him I could listen for hours, he could make me smile & feel safe and make me proud to be an American. All lessons I was first taught from my dad. That is why I first found Ronald Reagan so AWESOME, he reminded me of my dad.

Like Ronald Reagan, my father has a disease that will eventually take him from us, he is suffering with Lung Cancer. With all that my dad is going through and we are going through as a family, sometimes I donʻt see his optimism and humor as much. I struggle now to protect him and make him smile, I wonder if that is how President Reaganʻs family felt?

I know my dad has his toughest fight ahead of him these days, but I know he will fight through it, if only for our family. I know he will continue to make us laugh and protect us, I just hope he lets us do the same for him.

So, on the 100th anniversary of Ronald Reaganʻs birth, I would like to say Thank You to my dad for having the qualities of a great man so that I have been able to recognize and enjoy those qualities in another Great Man.

Enlightened.

While on the phone with a friend this morning I was given a different view on Catholic Faith and my continued search of what is "real". Most people who know me/us know that as a family we attend Catholic Church and the monsters attend CCD weekly. You also know that I went back Catholic, which is what I was raised, because I found it comfortable. There are plenty of things I disagree with in the Catholic Doctrine and there are many unanswered questions I have; but wanting to have my children receive religious education and talking honestly & openly with my priest, I decided I could have a home at St. Francis if I wanted it for myself and my family. Now we are there, attending mass & CCD regularly. Some weeks we go to mass and I find I leave annoyed and/or angry about the message for the week, but I know that is alright because at the very least I have opened my mind and I am thinking about what I heard. I admit, there are still some weeks I leave I disagree so strongly with what was taught that I wonder what I am doing there:)

One question I ponder regularly is about people suffering from disease; aids, cancer, depression, polio, autism, truly this list could go on for pages, but I think you get the point:) I wonder, if God is so good and powerful, would he not cure these people or eliminate disease? Today I have an answer that I am almost willing to accept. The answer given: That God has chosen a path for those people, who are suffering, to live a life similar to his. A life that may seem difficult here on Earth as Jesusʻ life was when he was beaten, tortured & crucified. Jesus lived that life to help others and was rewarded by ascending to Heaven and so maybe the suffering on Earth is just that for those with disease. Maybe God has chosen those people to suffer because he believes they can and he knows that others will learn and be touched by that. And then for their suffering on Earth they too are rewarded with a seat in Heaven. A seat that is there waiting for them as Jesusʻ waited for him.

I donʻt know if this is true or not, but I know that it is more than I had to go on. As I have been very personally touched by cancer recently through friends and family, I want something to hold on to. Hope. Peace. Hell, maybe it is finally FAITH. I am not sure how long I can keep this thought, but I know I have it now and thatʻs enough for now.

Winter Blues!

I don't think the sun ever shines and it is always below 40 degrees! It is only the fist half of January and I am already depressed and desperate for Spring. I know being really sick for the past two weeks is making this worse, but MY GOD, I don't know how in the world I am going to make it to March! I think I am going to have to break-down and buy one of those "sun lamps" this year!

The problem now is that I am starting to feel better, but don't want to leave the house and go any where that people might be for fear of new germs! I am also trying to save money for vacation, so I am avoiding stores:) It is too cold and gray to be outside so I stay in the house ALL THE TIME! You would think that would make my house incredibly clean and organized; you would be wrong. This is because last week I was in bed with my "itises" and this week I am too lazy and depressed to do it :) So instead I sit at the table "doing" school work & watching "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" on Netflix and wonder how much I HAVE TO DO so that my husband does not think I am totally and completely useless.

Each and every day I go to bed with grand hopes of a better tomorrow, a productive and positive day; then I get up, drop the monsters at school, decided it is cold and gray and come back in and lock the door. I think about getting on the treadmill or yoga and always promise myself some meditation, but then it is 3:00pm, time to get the monsters and I have not showered(again) or walked or meditated. Maybe tomorrow I think and so today I say maybe tomorrow.

Here's to hoping it really is tomorrow~

Tomorrow I Re-Enter the World, Maybe

With my "everything you can get in an URI" illness subsiding, I have made plans with my favorite 8 years old tomorrow afternoon. I am planning to get out of bed and stay out of it most of the day tomorrow:) I want to drop the monsters at school, straighten-up the house, shower and grab my girl for a lunch date and some "Mommy & Killi Time"! With three monsters, it is not always easy to spend time alone with them, so every so-often, I grab some time. I say it is for them, but I think I get as much from the one-on-one as they do, if not more.

So, here's to hoping that tomorrow brings me improved health and a fun day with sweet girl.

Maybe, Just Maybe I am Starting to Feel Better?

It has been a week today that I started feeling sick. Wait, only a WEEK???? It seems like it has been WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS especially if you were to hear my husband & monsters tell the story. Those poor souls have only had about half my attention and devotion instead of the usual 99%. I admit that they have been eating all the "easy" (read:unhealthy:) meals I can make like mac & cheese and chicken nuggets & fries, but hey, I am doing my best here.

This morning I woke up and felt a bit better, but more tired than yesterday. I hesitated to mention this to my family as I fear they will take my slight improvement as a sign that I should get back to work and I am just not ready yet :) I am sure this is not really true, the husband has been very supportive and the monsters, have been not awful, but I know they are getting frustrated with this bout of illness as it seems to be just the newest in a very long list. I mean this has been my second bout of laryngitis in December, so I get that they are over this, I am too!!! But of course i have convinced myself that they are plotting a coup and looking for a new HOH (head of House:). The paranoia comes courtesy of the steroids & albuterol that I have been taking in order to breathe, and yes the family LOVES this too (especially the husband who is SO busy at work and trying to pick up the slack at home:) None of this is making him want to run away:)

I have have set a goal for myself to remain in bed or very quiet until Saturday, even if I wake up tomorrow and feel great, I am going to take it easy. If by Friday I am not feeling better, I will go back to the doctor. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to get better! I am going to give myself the time to heal. I want to be done with illness for a few months:)