Friends~
Today my family received disappointing news about my dad's cancer. The cancer has advanced further than we/the doctors had thought. With that said, the next few months are likely to be challenging, mostly for my dad, but also for the rest of us that love him. On that note, I would like to ask for your patience. I may be the best person in the world at projecting my anger/stress in completely unrelated places:) Just know that and please try and understand. Let me also tell you all that Maggie is probably going to be able to keep her bottle past our deadline of December 18, since fighting with her over a bottle is NOT what I want to do at my parents over Christmas. So again, I am aware that it needs to go and that she is TOO OLD, but I am NOT having that fight anytime soon.
Other-than-that, I guess all I ask is for good/happy thoughts for my dad and the rest of the family. If you have any advice for my dad or the family, I would love it.
Thanks again! And I love and appreciate all of you!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
This Is What Scares Me!
It is no secret that I am not a fan of socialized medicine and the past few weeks has done nothing to change my opinion.
I am sure that it was a coincidental that the "big" changes in health care were both for women, but it sure feels like a slap in the face and incredibly sexist. It also seems that it is a rationing of health care and at whose expense? Let me start with this little bit of information from the American Cancer Society, between 1955 and 1992, the cervical cancer death rate declined by 74%. The main reason for this change was the increased use of the Pap test...with that reported, let's cut the need for so many pap tests. Catching cancer after 2/3 years instead of every year will surely not advance the cancer before it is caught. Oh yeah, let's also throw in the fact that women should now wait until they are 21( average age virginity is lost is 16 in the US)to start having pap tests instead of the old, start when you become sexually active. This when we know that atleast 70% of cervical cancer is caused by HPV and sexually transmitted disease. Seems smart to wait. Instead, let's immunize our 9 year old daughters from an STD(a vaccine that is now required in many states)that is seemingly not an issue because they will not be tested until they are 21 or older. Again, I am not sure I understand. No, I do, if we are only going to save a FEW women, is it really cost effective? In my opinion, yes, it is!
I guess what it comes down to for me is who gets to decided who lives and who dies and who decides how many lives make a test cost effective? What is the price of a human life? I am glad that these doctors and researches feel that they have come up with that price.
As I said, I am sure that the change in pap tests and mammograms coming out at nearly the same time was coincidental, but someone should call-up Christina Applegate and let her know that her life is not worth the cost of a mammogram and she is not the only woman under 50 to have been diagnosed with breast cancer thanks to a mammogram. But I guess that is the price of human life a mammogram, a pap test.
I am finding these changes in guidelines hard to swallow. Watching insurance companies make money hand-over-fist and then arbitrarily deciding who deserves to live so that they can make MORE money is annoying and wrong!
Yes, I have heard the argument for mammograms and radiation, but shouldn't a patient be able to weigh that risk, not the insurance company? And I have yet to hear what the negative effects of a pap test is, so if women will go every year starting when they becomes sexually active, who does that hurt? Right, the insurance company that has to pay for it, pay for it with the money you have been paying ALL YEAR!
I am sure it is not ALL about money, but it sure seems like it is. Is this what socialized medicine is going to be like in the US? Because I much prefer my personal doctor deciding what is best for me and not some analysts looking at bottom-lines. I am not a bottom-line, I am a person and if a test can save one person is that not worth the cost? I am just glad that I am not the one trying to put a monetary value on human life!
I am sure that it was a coincidental that the "big" changes in health care were both for women, but it sure feels like a slap in the face and incredibly sexist. It also seems that it is a rationing of health care and at whose expense? Let me start with this little bit of information from the American Cancer Society, between 1955 and 1992, the cervical cancer death rate declined by 74%. The main reason for this change was the increased use of the Pap test...with that reported, let's cut the need for so many pap tests. Catching cancer after 2/3 years instead of every year will surely not advance the cancer before it is caught. Oh yeah, let's also throw in the fact that women should now wait until they are 21( average age virginity is lost is 16 in the US)to start having pap tests instead of the old, start when you become sexually active. This when we know that atleast 70% of cervical cancer is caused by HPV and sexually transmitted disease. Seems smart to wait. Instead, let's immunize our 9 year old daughters from an STD(a vaccine that is now required in many states)that is seemingly not an issue because they will not be tested until they are 21 or older. Again, I am not sure I understand. No, I do, if we are only going to save a FEW women, is it really cost effective? In my opinion, yes, it is!
I guess what it comes down to for me is who gets to decided who lives and who dies and who decides how many lives make a test cost effective? What is the price of a human life? I am glad that these doctors and researches feel that they have come up with that price.
As I said, I am sure that the change in pap tests and mammograms coming out at nearly the same time was coincidental, but someone should call-up Christina Applegate and let her know that her life is not worth the cost of a mammogram and she is not the only woman under 50 to have been diagnosed with breast cancer thanks to a mammogram. But I guess that is the price of human life a mammogram, a pap test.
I am finding these changes in guidelines hard to swallow. Watching insurance companies make money hand-over-fist and then arbitrarily deciding who deserves to live so that they can make MORE money is annoying and wrong!
Yes, I have heard the argument for mammograms and radiation, but shouldn't a patient be able to weigh that risk, not the insurance company? And I have yet to hear what the negative effects of a pap test is, so if women will go every year starting when they becomes sexually active, who does that hurt? Right, the insurance company that has to pay for it, pay for it with the money you have been paying ALL YEAR!
I am sure it is not ALL about money, but it sure seems like it is. Is this what socialized medicine is going to be like in the US? Because I much prefer my personal doctor deciding what is best for me and not some analysts looking at bottom-lines. I am not a bottom-line, I am a person and if a test can save one person is that not worth the cost? I am just glad that I am not the one trying to put a monetary value on human life!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Because I Cannot Sleep
Again tonight I am up! I tried am tired, but sleep is just not happening. I even spent the better part of the day out in the fresh-air and that ALWAYS makes me tired, except for today I guess. I shouldn't say that because I am tired. I just cannot sleep. I have laid in bed for the past 2 hours and have had no luck! Tonight it my be that I am missing not one but both my co-sleepers with Ben and Marg away:)
Tomorrow I should do a small shopping order at the food store, but I am not willing to bet on that:) I am hoping to get to Target for a few "extras" we need to finish the decorations. I would like to sleep in though and with only Declan home with me I should be able to:) Problem is that it is Sunday and I have been so trained to sit and watch the Steelers play that I only have until 1pm to get all my chores done. So, if I sleep until 10:30, how will I get anything done? I guess there is always Monday and if not Monday, Ben is home on Tuesday;-) Boy has he been a model husband the past couple of months!
Tomorrow I should do a small shopping order at the food store, but I am not willing to bet on that:) I am hoping to get to Target for a few "extras" we need to finish the decorations. I would like to sleep in though and with only Declan home with me I should be able to:) Problem is that it is Sunday and I have been so trained to sit and watch the Steelers play that I only have until 1pm to get all my chores done. So, if I sleep until 10:30, how will I get anything done? I guess there is always Monday and if not Monday, Ben is home on Tuesday;-) Boy has he been a model husband the past couple of months!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Phone Call
Today I received a phone call from my insurance company, here is a quick recap:
Me: Hello
INS: Hi, is Emily in?
Me: This is
INS: Hi, Emily this is _________, with your insurance co and we are calling today because we see that you have suffered with depression in the past and we would like to make sure you are getting the most out of your benefits.
Me: umm...okay
INS: Do you mind answering a few questions today
Me: fire away
INS: How would you describe your current mental state?
ME: today or in general?
INS: Well, let's look at the past month or so
Me: okay...Well, about 6 weeks ago my grandfather died, then I got H1N1 which caused pneumonia that I could not get-rid of for 3 weeks. Two weeks ago I flew to FL to be with my dad, who is 56 and had to have surgery for lung cancer and when I got home last week I had an outbreak of shingles in my nose.
INS: WOW, do you have children?
Me: yes, a 4.5 yr old, an almost 7 and an 8 r old.
INS: Well, that is alot to deal with.
Me: Ya think? And oh did I mention that I live in VA so the weather here sucks in the Fall and Winter. It is 70 and sunny one day, then is 50 and rainy for 3 days.
INS: Well, that is something else. I am sure that all of that would test anyone even if you didn't suffer depression.
Me: Ya Think?
INS: do you think you are suicidal?
Me: No
INS: well why?
Me: *sigh* Well, I have 3 small kids
INS: and
Me: Well, they could not possibly live w/o me
INS: really?
Me: No, I am sure they could, but I like to tell myself that:)
INS: So what gets you out of bed in the morning?
Me: did I mention that I have 3 KIDS!
INS: oh, so they wake you?
Me: YEAH! Do you have any other questions?
INS: I think that is all for now. I will have your case manager _______ call you on Monday, what time is good?
Me: Well, the kids are all in school between 9-11 EST, so that is best.
INS: Oh, you have kids? How old are they?
Me: really? look back in your notes, I have to go pick my little one up at preschool.
After I hung up and replayed the conversation in my head, my first thought was that I was being "punked", then I moved on to believe that I would come back home and the men would be there waiting to put me in a "white-coat". I cannot wait for the phone call Monday. I hope it goes just as well:)
Me: Hello
INS: Hi, is Emily in?
Me: This is
INS: Hi, Emily this is _________, with your insurance co and we are calling today because we see that you have suffered with depression in the past and we would like to make sure you are getting the most out of your benefits.
Me: umm...okay
INS: Do you mind answering a few questions today
Me: fire away
INS: How would you describe your current mental state?
ME: today or in general?
INS: Well, let's look at the past month or so
Me: okay...Well, about 6 weeks ago my grandfather died, then I got H1N1 which caused pneumonia that I could not get-rid of for 3 weeks. Two weeks ago I flew to FL to be with my dad, who is 56 and had to have surgery for lung cancer and when I got home last week I had an outbreak of shingles in my nose.
INS: WOW, do you have children?
Me: yes, a 4.5 yr old, an almost 7 and an 8 r old.
INS: Well, that is alot to deal with.
Me: Ya think? And oh did I mention that I live in VA so the weather here sucks in the Fall and Winter. It is 70 and sunny one day, then is 50 and rainy for 3 days.
INS: Well, that is something else. I am sure that all of that would test anyone even if you didn't suffer depression.
Me: Ya Think?
INS: do you think you are suicidal?
Me: No
INS: well why?
Me: *sigh* Well, I have 3 small kids
INS: and
Me: Well, they could not possibly live w/o me
INS: really?
Me: No, I am sure they could, but I like to tell myself that:)
INS: So what gets you out of bed in the morning?
Me: did I mention that I have 3 KIDS!
INS: oh, so they wake you?
Me: YEAH! Do you have any other questions?
INS: I think that is all for now. I will have your case manager _______ call you on Monday, what time is good?
Me: Well, the kids are all in school between 9-11 EST, so that is best.
INS: Oh, you have kids? How old are they?
Me: really? look back in your notes, I have to go pick my little one up at preschool.
After I hung up and replayed the conversation in my head, my first thought was that I was being "punked", then I moved on to believe that I would come back home and the men would be there waiting to put me in a "white-coat". I cannot wait for the phone call Monday. I hope it goes just as well:)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Oh, What to Share.
Do I share the fact that I after having H1N1, pneumonia, sinus infection and then shingles in my nose, I think I am finally on the mend?
Do I share that my two week trip to Florida was not pleasure, but to be with my family while my 56 year old father had surgery for lung cancer?
What about the fact that while I was in Florida I missed the execution of John Muhammad, who completely terrorized my life for weeks while I was pregnant with Killi and who I was not at all sad to see put to death?
How about how I have lost so much respect for the Attorney General of the past few weeks? Lost respect for this man that I have admired for years, who now seems to think that he IS the LAW.
Share that although I have been home for a week now, I still have found NO time to spend with my husband?
None of that. What I will share is that I love my family and I am so happy to have them. Through the good and the bad, I love them and better yet, they love me:) I am trying to remind myself to hug and kiss them all more and cherish every moment with them, because I know that even a Bad Moment together is still together and there are too many people that don't would be so happy with that. With any moment. I am enjoying each and every one!
Do I share that my two week trip to Florida was not pleasure, but to be with my family while my 56 year old father had surgery for lung cancer?
What about the fact that while I was in Florida I missed the execution of John Muhammad, who completely terrorized my life for weeks while I was pregnant with Killi and who I was not at all sad to see put to death?
How about how I have lost so much respect for the Attorney General of the past few weeks? Lost respect for this man that I have admired for years, who now seems to think that he IS the LAW.
Share that although I have been home for a week now, I still have found NO time to spend with my husband?
None of that. What I will share is that I love my family and I am so happy to have them. Through the good and the bad, I love them and better yet, they love me:) I am trying to remind myself to hug and kiss them all more and cherish every moment with them, because I know that even a Bad Moment together is still together and there are too many people that don't would be so happy with that. With any moment. I am enjoying each and every one!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What A Wild Ride
I'm tired and ready to go home. The last 10 days have been interesting. Last Tuesday, November 3rd, I hopped on a plane with Maggie headed to Florida. My plan was to be there for my father's surgery that was scheduled for the next day. I made the best plans that I could for Ben and the monsters. My in-laws were kind enough to come down and watch the kids so that Ben could work and I could focus on my parents and helping them. Well, that is NOT what happened! At 2pm, on Tuesday, the day before the surgery, the doctor called and postponed the surgery wanting another PET Scan before he went in! That really threw a wrench in my plans! Now I was here, with nothing to do!
A PET Scan was scheduled for Thursday morning. The scan got what it was looking for and surgery was rescheduled for Wednesday, Nov.11th, a week later than original planned and a two days after I was scheduled to be home!
So, I called Ben and we decided that I would extend my stay and we would juggle Declan and Killi for another 4 days. This was NOT an easy decision for me. I have NEVER been away from the kids that long, NEVER! Ben and I have not been apart that long in years! And then, he was always the one traveling. Not to mention that I was still concerned about my dad. I have been edge to say the least:) No need to worry about Ben and teh kids though! They have stepped up and been wonderful! The kids have gone with the flow of different care-givers and Ben has done all the laundry, kept the house clean and gotten the kids off to school everyday! They even managed to take in 2 movies and had a few home-cooked meals. I am so proud of all of them and cannot thank them enough for stepping-up for me. They are the BEST!
Now for my dad. Yesterday, he had surgery as planned to remove a spot from his lung. They did not know for sure until they went-in if it was cancer or if it had spread. Therefore, we would not not what was going to be done until they got-in and looked. At 7:30am my mother and I said good-bye to my dad as he went off to the OR. We went off to the waiting room where we sat for the next 4 hours waiting. Waiting while so many other people came and went. Finally at 11:30, the doctor came out! The spot on his lung was a cancerous tumor so they removed the entire middle-lobe of his lung. This news was both good and bad. It was bad because he lost he lobe and his lungs were in worse shape than thought, so recovery will be a little slower, but good because they are pretty sure that he is cancer-free and will not need and chemo or radiation. He will be in the hospital for the next 7-10 days which seems long, but I guess they know what they are doing:) I have seen him twice since the surgery and he looked pretty good last night. He is on lots of pain pills and oxygen, but he was out of bed and drinking juice! I am glad I was here to see him.
Today, it is time to go home! I have done what I needed to here and now I need my husband and monsters, although having Mag for a week alone has NOT been easy:) Back to being a full-time wife and mother. I am anxious to get home. I miss my life! I feel like things have been on hold for weeks now. Between my dad's surgery and our bout of illness, I am ready for a break!
Next week will be another long week for the fam as we wait for more answers. I am hopeful that next weeks outcome will be as good as this week. Then it will be Thanksgiving with Billy and Kelly! And we will be back in Florida in 6 weeks for Christmas! Busy, Busy, Busy!!!
For now, I am counting down the hours until I get to see my husband and monsters!
A PET Scan was scheduled for Thursday morning. The scan got what it was looking for and surgery was rescheduled for Wednesday, Nov.11th, a week later than original planned and a two days after I was scheduled to be home!
So, I called Ben and we decided that I would extend my stay and we would juggle Declan and Killi for another 4 days. This was NOT an easy decision for me. I have NEVER been away from the kids that long, NEVER! Ben and I have not been apart that long in years! And then, he was always the one traveling. Not to mention that I was still concerned about my dad. I have been edge to say the least:) No need to worry about Ben and teh kids though! They have stepped up and been wonderful! The kids have gone with the flow of different care-givers and Ben has done all the laundry, kept the house clean and gotten the kids off to school everyday! They even managed to take in 2 movies and had a few home-cooked meals. I am so proud of all of them and cannot thank them enough for stepping-up for me. They are the BEST!
Now for my dad. Yesterday, he had surgery as planned to remove a spot from his lung. They did not know for sure until they went-in if it was cancer or if it had spread. Therefore, we would not not what was going to be done until they got-in and looked. At 7:30am my mother and I said good-bye to my dad as he went off to the OR. We went off to the waiting room where we sat for the next 4 hours waiting. Waiting while so many other people came and went. Finally at 11:30, the doctor came out! The spot on his lung was a cancerous tumor so they removed the entire middle-lobe of his lung. This news was both good and bad. It was bad because he lost he lobe and his lungs were in worse shape than thought, so recovery will be a little slower, but good because they are pretty sure that he is cancer-free and will not need and chemo or radiation. He will be in the hospital for the next 7-10 days which seems long, but I guess they know what they are doing:) I have seen him twice since the surgery and he looked pretty good last night. He is on lots of pain pills and oxygen, but he was out of bed and drinking juice! I am glad I was here to see him.
Today, it is time to go home! I have done what I needed to here and now I need my husband and monsters, although having Mag for a week alone has NOT been easy:) Back to being a full-time wife and mother. I am anxious to get home. I miss my life! I feel like things have been on hold for weeks now. Between my dad's surgery and our bout of illness, I am ready for a break!
Next week will be another long week for the fam as we wait for more answers. I am hopeful that next weeks outcome will be as good as this week. Then it will be Thanksgiving with Billy and Kelly! And we will be back in Florida in 6 weeks for Christmas! Busy, Busy, Busy!!!
For now, I am counting down the hours until I get to see my husband and monsters!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Keep Talkin'
I guess I am hoping that if I keep "talking" about the changes I want to make in my life, they will just happen...so far, it is not working:) What I am finding out is that if you don't exercise, you cannot loose weight; if you keep spending money, it is gone; if you keep looking for stress it finds you; if you don't stick to a plan, there isn't one. These are some of the things I keep talking about, but have yet to do. Instead I sit here at almost 3am stressed about all these things that I am doing NOTHING to fix. Just talkin'!
It really has to stop. I really need to make changes in my life. I am juggling too many things to be able to continue on this way. I need more time for school. I need to find time to exercise. I need a budget. I need a routine. The problem is that all I seem to do is talk about it! Doing it is a whole different ball game.
Now, how it make it work? I think I will start by writing down everything I do, eat and spend and from there see what can change. I will try this for a week and then sit and look at where I am and what I can do to get where I want to go.
As I sit writing this, I am already thinking of excuses for why I cannot make these changes. I have been away from home for a week, we have Thanksgiving coming up, doctor's appointments and more. I can find an excuse for ANYTHING! I think that is going to be my biggest challenge, changing my way of thinking. Making a commitment to myself. I know that I will be happier when these changes are made. I know I will have less stress, still I procrastinate and then replay the same stress over and over again which must mean that I don't want these changes that badly or that I need to step-it-up and do it!
I'm going to give it another try because what do I have to loose.
It really has to stop. I really need to make changes in my life. I am juggling too many things to be able to continue on this way. I need more time for school. I need to find time to exercise. I need a budget. I need a routine. The problem is that all I seem to do is talk about it! Doing it is a whole different ball game.
Now, how it make it work? I think I will start by writing down everything I do, eat and spend and from there see what can change. I will try this for a week and then sit and look at where I am and what I can do to get where I want to go.
As I sit writing this, I am already thinking of excuses for why I cannot make these changes. I have been away from home for a week, we have Thanksgiving coming up, doctor's appointments and more. I can find an excuse for ANYTHING! I think that is going to be my biggest challenge, changing my way of thinking. Making a commitment to myself. I know that I will be happier when these changes are made. I know I will have less stress, still I procrastinate and then replay the same stress over and over again which must mean that I don't want these changes that badly or that I need to step-it-up and do it!
I'm going to give it another try because what do I have to loose.
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