And Then I Was Done!

Those closest to me have learned that I work in very non-traditional ways. I am seeming unorganized, but in actuality I have everything anally organized in my head. My family and household run on almost no schedule and I don't do well with plans. The other area I lack tradition in is the way I maintain relationships.

Within my relationships, I will take alot of shit. I rarely say anything when I get annoyed or angry, I just let it pass and move on. The problem is, I NEVER forget anything and rarely forgive(I am a grudge holder:), so what happens is that I reach my breaking point and just "Write People Off" as my sister says. I guess it is difficult for people to understand why I am that way, but I am and that is too bad

Husband!

Sometimes my husband likes to pretend that he is REALLY cool and The Boss, but he just looks like a big jerk! Or as a very wise and soft-spoken man I know might say...Husband is a blow heart!

Sometimes...

As I have made mention more than a few times here that past few weeks, I have not been feeling well. The cause of it is still unknown. I am in the process of changing some meds and had some tests run, but nothing concrete has been found. Still no answers, but I am not surprised, this has been on-and-off for years now.

Anyway, Sometimes when you are feeling down what helps the most is an old friend. And even if you're not in a great place in the friendship, they still know the right things to say, just how much to joke and let you know that no matter what, you're not alone. Boy, does that help ya breathe! I am very lucky to have had that phone call today!

What is also nice, is crazy "newish" friends that are insane enough to take all three of the monsters when they see you are feeling down!

Friends are good!

me?

After finally feeling better the past few days, now I am completely on edge and making myself sick to my stomach! My nerves are SHOT! On total overload! I seriously don't know how much longer I can do this for. I am just making myself nutty!

I think I just need a break. I need to get away from here. I need the peace and quiet of NJ and my family(yes, I am aware that it sounds like an oxymoron:) I really do need to get away. Sometimes I find it very difficult to play nice with everyone. I know, hard to believe, but it's true. Right now I have my hat in a few different rings and my Virginia, PTO/Soccer mom Emily is having to spend way to much time out and about! I need some time for the sassy,fresh NJ Emily to come out!

I grew and changed to fit the lifestyle that I was in, but I am not sure that is who I REALLY am. But I also don't think I am the girl I was when I left NJ at 21 years old, 13 years ago. I think that somewhere between the two is who I am and what I want. I am just not sure I if I can be that person and live "this" life.

I don't have time for my interests and hobbies(typing the word makes me laugh)because that time is used. I have kids that don't get enough of me. A husband that wants more too, but I cannot even find the time for reading, sleeping.

I am a weak person. I need to better organize my life and things would be better. Stick to a schedule. I don't, because I'm weak. I need to be stronger! I want to be stronger.

But Why?

I know I should be happy, but I am not! I am feeling sad. There is no reason. Kids are good! Husband, very good. Friends, not awful:) Yet, I am blue!

Depression Sucks! Hopefully the new meds will start working soon and I will have a turn in the world of sunshine and happiness:) I know that it is hard to understand if you do not or have never gone through a bout of depression. If you are lucky enough to be one of those people, please try to take the time to understand that this is not something people want to deal with. It truly is an illness, but one that is so hard to heal. Imagine walking around with a broken leg that would never heal or a cold that never ended! Sometimes that is what makes it harder. That even when it is "gone" you never know for how long.

Tomorrow will be a better day for me!

Laugh At/With Me!

When I was 13, I met the boy who turned into my "first love". We spend the whole summer at the beach together, day and night. The time we didn't spend together were spent on the phone through the early morning hours. He was my boyfriend for about a year, until he went off to high school and I was only in 8th grade:) He needed to move onto those older high school girls:)

Anyway,he dumped me for this girl who worked at an ice cream shop in the next town over. So, what do I do upon hearing this news? That's right, I made my friends go with me to stalk said girl! We hopped on our bikes and off we went. The entire ride there, I am thinking that this is a completely rational thing to do! We finally get there and wait for her to be free so that she can "serve" us(because, somehow that was going to make a point:) She does, and as we leave, my friends and I make a point to let this girl know that she is dating "my man".

As I look back on this outing, I find my face getting warm with embarrassment and cannot help but to laugh at myself. The phase, "What was I thinking?" comes to mind.

The boy is long gone from my life and I am not sure that the girl would even remember it happening, but I like to laugh about it sometimes and hope that my monsters will never do anything so ridiculous, all the while knowing that they will;-)

Answers!

For the past 9 years I have been living with Chronic Pain. The pain is not always in the same place and has sometimes been managed, but has been there nonetheless. Over this period I have seen MANY doctors and most of them do a good job trying to fit the symptoms, but never bother to find a cause. So, a treatment plan is made and the pain will be under control for months and if I am lucky a year, then BAM! it comes back! It really sucks!

On top of the constant pain, people think you are insane and making it up! And I do understand that, it is hard to imagine that someone could be in pain all the time! The most bizarre thing about it is that the pain I feel is all the same whether I stub my toe or break a bone! It is crazy!

Alas, my wonderful doctor did offer some answers today about all of that! First, he does not think I am making it all up(plus), he wants to he me feel better(plus), and he explained so things about chronic pain that I didn't know.

Now, I will try new meds to see if the pain can be managed, if not with this one there are more to choose from and the doctor is willing to help!

Judging...

I have always been very proud of the fact that I am an incredibly good judge of character. With my good judgment comes instant and appropriate relationship boundaries for me, except for when they don't. And when that happens, I end up with crazies too involved in my life! I find that this only happens to me when I have too many new "friends" coming into my life and I am in a new area of growth:) For example, this time it was a new school for the kids, a PTO position and new SASA duties. All of these "new" things at once forced me to interact with too many "new" people at once not giving me enough time to set-up the boundaries I need. I think the last time this happened to me was when I was a new mom and joined a MOM'S group, and let me tell you, that ended BAD:)

I am hopeful that these relationships are not going to be that bad, I do know that I need to start taking sometime for me! And being alright with who and what I am! I have not changed, I may "try-on" different hats sometimes and it may take me a minute to realize they don't fit. but eventually I take them off and put my ratty-old, comfy hat back on!

So now the two week trip to NJ that I was dreading, is looking like a gift from GOD! Time to get away and relax in MY HAT;-)