Still I Wonder...

What in the world makes people behave the way they do? Are there really that many people out there with NO Social Skills?

For most of my adult life, I have been made fun of because I'm from Jersey. And ya know people from Jersey are...well, you know the stereo-types loud, big-hair, rude, pushy, foul-mouthed, really we could go on for awhile. While all of those things may be true, I for one, am aware of my company and act appropriately. While I did have dinner at the White House in Flip-Flops, I never uttered a foul word within those walls:) Because there is a time and place for manners and I actually do know when that is.

While you may think I "say-it-like-it-is" I really don't and again, this is because I actually DO have social skills and know that telling someone that they are fat, ugly, stupid is just not something polite people do. Oh, I think it just like everyone else, but common decency calls for some control over ones thoughts ALWAYS come out of ones mouth! And sometimes I do say it, but I KNOW what I am saying when I say it!

I know that I complain about this often, but I am just so blown-away by peoples actions and statements, that I have to keep reminding myself that people from New Jersey are often criticized for their lack of class, and that might be true, but I sure as hell know when I am being classless and rude. So, I am of the belief that having the intelligence to understand that I am being rude is better than you being to stupid to see that you are rude!

Can Reflection Be Religion?

As I sit thinking about ALL the things I want to write but am afraid too, I listening to my littlest monster chat, mostly to the air, as she folds the baskets of laundry in my room and wonder what is so bad? Moreover, what do I really have the ability to control? Are the nervous, anxious, sad feelings I am having really going to help anyone? I know they are not helping me.

A few weeks ago I read a that went something like this, "Once you are true with yourself, you will no longer fear or regret your actions or words". For some reason that statement has had quite an impact on me. It may be due to the fact that I was happy to gossip(often without factual knowledge) or maybe because I would change my behavior based on my audience. I am not sure I have found the reason I was drawn to this statement, only that I was and because of that I take much more notice of my actions, words and thoughts. Thanks to that, I have had less stress in my life. Well, most of the time:)

Today was a bit challenge. Busy. And I can admit that I am not the best(or good at all) working, thinking or acting under pressure. Although I know this about myself, I cannot always ask my life to slow down until I can catch-up. What I can do however is once I find a quiet moment, is to reflect on my day and be sure that I have been true with myself. And so long as I am, the stress and anxiety slowly slip away and I remember that I am only one person and can only control myself.

It has been interesting trying to live life always thinking about my actions before I take them and often, like today, I forget to find the "purpose and meaning" before I act. That is okay though. I am not perfect. In fact, I am very far from it. I am far from understanding who I am and why I am here and how it all works, but I feel good about the progress I am finally making to understand.

I know that life is short and I know there are so many things to do while I am here, but I am also learning that it is not the quantity of what you do but the quality and I honestly believe that. No more sweating the small stuff or the big, I am working on letting go of the "control" I falsely believed I had over others and focusing on what very little I can control, my thoughts and my actions.

Why is it so hard?

As I have been writing lately, I am searching for inner peace and some days are so much easier than others. Through my journey, I have been doing ALOT of reading. Some for pleasure, some for school; what I am finding both interesting & depressing are all the stories in which others are also searching for the "peace".

What I am finding most interesting/unnerving is that almost all of these authors facing these same struggles are well educated, upper-middle class, "have-it-all" types that are still looking for more. Why, I keep wondering, do all these stories fit my life? Why are all these women, who should be "happy", find themselves searching for more? Searching for peace and balance? Is it as Ruth Behar writes in The Vulnerable Observer, that as women we struggle to struck a balance between family & career? Are we "over-educating" ourselves in a society that is still not willing to let women have it all? Or is it us? Are we the ones that place these restriction & expectations on one another? Maybe someday I will look further into this question and its answers. Perhaps on my next educational journey:)

As it stands now, I have more questions than answers. I get up and remind myself everyday of all the wonderfulness of my life. And throughout the day I again remind myself. And again at night, as I reflect on my day, I remind myself how fortunate I am and how awesome my life is. However, there are moments like this when I wonder why I have to work so hard to "convince" myself that my life is GOOD, that I am fortunate, that I have so much. I guess I will keep trying to find my "inner peace", no, I know I will keep looking. And right now, I am finding peace in knowing that I have the opportunity to keep searching.

Turning It Around

Boy is it tough to see the positives in life sometimes. I am not ready to give-up yet, but today was a challenge. By 11 am when the government agency I was trying to work with, hung-up on me for the 4th time, I began to have my "positiveness" taken away:) That was followed by me hitting myself in the head with a swing and my daughter and her friend laughing at me.

But, I forged on. I picked the kids up from school and took them to the park, headed over to the library and I even cooked dinner and did some schoolwork. I am not going to lie though, I will be happy when I drift-off to sleep and end this day.

I can find some good in the day, if I really look. Like, we are down to the last day of school. And, the library had a few of the books I needed for class. I ordered Ben a Father's Day gift and the man that helped me was very nice:) The monsters played nicely together for hours this evening and Ben walked in smiling even after 4.5 hours of commuting today. Well, as I write this I see that the day was better than I thought! I will have to remember to reflect on my day more often!

*************************************************************************************


Tomorrow is the Last Day of School and to celebrate the Nationals are having Strasburg pitch and Friday Night Fireworks!!! All for us:) Okay, maybe that is not true, but that is the way we are looking at it here. It will be our first Strasburg Game, I hope we do not bring bad luck with us:) And there is little in the world I love more than fireworks! Here's To a Great Day Tomorrow!

Ah...

"I can only control my actions and my thoughts. I have no control over how others live their lives". This is what I have been trying to remember. It is not as easy as I hoped it would be. With so many other people in my life, it is hard to only be able to control such a small part of it. Leaving so many "things" in the hands of others is not coming easy to me, but I know that this is something I need to do before I can find inner peace. Understanding that I am powerless over others and responsible only for myself, while still trying to change the world is hard! Maybe that sentence says it all, maybe I need to fully change myself before I can make changes in the world. Maybe I need to know where I am going and what I am looking for.

What am I looking for? To put it simply, I am looking for a calm. A peacefulness within myself. An understanding that I am doing all I can to live a happy, meaningful and productive life. I will keep working on it!

My Old Blue Chair,,,

I used to think that if I were to be happy with "contentment" it would mean that I was not putting all I could into making my life the fullest it could be. I no longer believe that. I now think that to be content means that I am comfortable where I am and who I am in my life and I am on a journey,hunt,search for "contentment".

I have been trying for sometime to void my life of "negative". Negative thoughts, friendships, people, situations any negative I can control, I am working to oust from my life. This is not an easy task for me. I spend way to much of my time entertaining the negative through gossip, thoughts, stress, people in my life, too many ways to count. I am going to keep trying. I am going to keep trying until I get it right.


Hopefully, I will find my Old Blue Chair soon:)

Yeah, I Watched

The baseball fan in me caved and tuned in for the Strasburg debut. And I will admit that I have my doubts (even as a season ticket holder) about the motives behind bringing him up now, but that aside, he did ROCK tonight! I look forward to seeing him pitch in person later this season.

Now I am going to share a story about my grandfather that my dad shared with me today. Just to remind you, my grandfather was an umpire and he used to say that you knew when an umpire was good when you didn't know he was there. So, my father and I were talking about how much of the spotlight the men in blue have been using and he shared this story:

My grandfather was umpiring a game and a fight broke out. Benches cleared and the umpires were in the mix trying to break it up and one of the players bit my grandfather's ankle. So, the next time a fight broke out during one of his games he got fined by baseball. Why you ask? Because ask the fight broke out, he looked at his partner and said, lets get out of here and they sat in the dugout until the fight was over. Said he wasn't getting bit again:)

Knowing him, he probably sat there smoking and enjoying the break;-) Thanks for sharing the story dad!

My Religulous Review

First my disclaimers:
-I am NOT a fan of Bill Maher
-I LOVE all things religion
-I am not a religious person

Now the movie/documentary:

Aside from Bill Maher being his regular pompous, rude, annoying self, this movie was awesome! It was full of information on most of the "major" religions of the world and uncovered some unique religions too. What Maher did throughout the movie was travel around the world and talk with people about religion. He spoke with church leaders(i.e. priests,rabbi's), with devotees to explain and support their beliefs, non-believers and Dr. Andrew B. Newberg, all who give some insight to why and what people of the world believe.

What I enjoyed most about this movie was that Maher allowed people to talk about their beliefs and questioned them, I did not feel he was disrespectful. I also like how Maher worked Dr. Newberg into the movie. Again, I did not feel it was done disrespectfully, but as a way to answer questions I think some people were afraid to ask or hear the answers to.

When the movie ended, I had no more direction for my own religious journey, but I did understand more of why people believe. The need people have to find peace and solace. I also felt more secure in my beliefs(or questioning of beliefs) than I had before I watched the movie.

So, if you a willing to hear some new ideas and maybe challenge yourself and your religion a bit, give this movie a try.

Who is to Blame?

Let me start by saying that I am no longer Blaming President Obama for causing the oil spill, just the inability to stop it and clean it up. And I know that it may seem irrational to place the blame there, he is the President and the damage being done goes beyond anything I have ever seen and the effects on the ecosystem and economy because of this will be long lasting. That is why I blame him. I want him to reach-out and beg,plead,bribe or whatever it takes to get someone to find a fix to this disaster. There has to be someone out there hiding at Standford or MIT or somewhere that can come up with a way to plug the hole or turn oil into water or something crazy like that. So, is it fair to place the blame on the president, no, but when you're the "boss" the buck stops with you and so it lays at his feet.

This week my 7 year old wrote a letter to BP and President Obama. She started her letter by saying that she was "speaking for the animals who cannot speak, but need help", she was so sad for the animals and I don't feel that I can truthfully tell her that everyone is doing their best to fix the problem.

An A+ effort is all I am asking for. I just want to be able to tell my daughter that EVERYONE is doing their very best to fix this mess!