And Here She Is...

Below is a picture of me(on the left)& My very own Mini Me(on the right):


Today after many months(okay years) of trying to ignore it, I have accepted the fact that I live with and have created a Mini Me! Understand that I am not saying that she is "like" I was as I child, what I am saying is that she IS the child version of ME in the present and it is scary:) It is very surreal when a you realize that a 5 year old can finish your thoughts for you and not just finish them but do it with the same mannerisms you do. I am starting to believe that she was cloned and conceived:)

This is all fine and well as I am a fantastic person and anyone should be so lucky to be like me:) Okay, if I am being honest, I may have some faults that make me alittle scared for my mini me. For instance, my inability to conform(to anything), my holding a grudge, and even being right all the time can be tough:) So, with all that in mind, I sometimes wonder what she will grow-up to be like.

For now I will enjoy my Mini Me and hope that she quickly becomes better than me at speaking her mind, kindergarten starts in a few weeks;-)

I Need To Vent...Proceed With Caution

I want to vent about my parenting and the annoyance I am feeling from other people who "disapprove" of how and what I do. To start, I do not claim to be the-best-mother-in-the-world, if their is such a thing, but I think I am a pretty descent mother.

So, I yell. Mostly just as a tone of voice, but I yell. And I curse(ALOT:), but because it occurs often and in daily conversation, my children are not offended by it nor do they think twice unless someone brings it to their attention. And another thing I don't do well is keep a schedule. I hate them! I avoid them at all cost! I know lots and lots of people that think this is crazy, but it works(most of the time) for me. I could continue to list ALL the things I could do better, but you get the point.

The thing is, what I do or do not do is really not the point. What is the point is that my children are well cared for, loved and nurtured as I see fit. I am sorry if my yell or cursing is over heard by your child and you have to explain it, but sometimes I have to explain things we don't do to my children; for example, why do people where "funny" clothes or go to church all the time. And why does so and so's mom never cook, what does that kid only speak Spanish. Whatever the case, my point is that you raise your kids and I will raise mine and keep your judgments to yourself!

Explain This...

How does a perfectly wonderful day turn into an anxiety attack at 10pm? Seriously, my day was so nice. I got a good amount of stuff accomplished. Relaxed a bit and even enjoyed watching Declan at football. That said, I am now sitting here with a killer headache in the middle of a full-out anxiety attack! This is insane! All I really want to know is what the hell is stuck in my head that is causing it? There is NOTHING that I need to be anxious about at the moment.

Oh well, I guess I will try to breathe through it. And if that does not work perhaps I will start drinking;-)

Who Wonders?

Do you ever wonder what someone else would think if they could hear all the thoughts in your head?

Do you ever "people watch" and wonder what the secret is that the person you are watching is keeping?

Do you ever think anyone is "normal" and then do you wonder what "normal" even is?

Do you wonder what the trick to happiness is and if EVERYONE is really capable of achieving it?

Do you ever wonder if you "wonder" too much:)

I am very affected by the people and things around me. If one of my kids is sad, it makes me sad. If a friend has marriage problems, I feel them. Stress, anxiety, discontent, I suck-it-all-up! Well, right now, there are ALOT of people around me(friends, family, random people I know) that are really struggling and it is making me very uneasy. I want to be able to fix something for someone. There is nothing for me to do, but pray for them and hope that things will work out in the end.

That has caused another issue for me, the praying that is. I never seen myself as a prayer as I am not sure I believe in "god" and if I do, I am not sure what form "god" has taken for me. What I have decided in the past few weeks is that I do pray. I am not sure to whom I pray, but I pray. I express my hopes and dreams for myself and others and I put them out there and hope someone, some "god" hears them.

Maybe this is my first step in finding my way to a religion, finally allowing myself to pray. To hope that maybe there is something out there guiding my life. Or maybe not, but expressing my hopes and dreams and releasing them is helpful for me right now.

Thinking Out Loud

Sometimes when I have "too much" going on in my mind I start thinking out loud and this action rarely works out for me. It usually ends with me saying something to someone that was better in my head then it was through my mouth! The past two days have been like that for me. My poor husband has had to suffer through all the thoughts running through my head for the last two days. It has been BAD!

I am sick, PMSing and stressing, I am not sure a more "perfect storm" could have been created for my husband. I have an opinion about EVERYTHING and I am only too happy to share them with him:) Hummm...maybe the three hour trip to the food store was not all spent at the store and was spent anywhere but here with me, I don't know, but I am not sure I could blame him:)

This I do know. It is a very good thing that it is a weekend, in the summer. This means that the clean-up crew that generally follows one of these "moods" will not have too much work to do:) The destruction should be limited to family!LOL!

Update, Family Fun & Feeling Yucky...

I wanted to say thank you to all of you out there that send prayers and positive thoughts over the past few days to my friend and her very premature twins. It has been 2 days now and through their update today I have learned that both babies had a better day than yesterday, but as you all can imagine, this is just the beginning of a very long journey for their family. With the twins in the NICU for the foreseeable future and a toddler at home, life will be challenging for them so, if you can spare them, they could use all the continued well wishes and prayers you can send. It really means so much to mean that so many of you have been willing to send prayers for them. Thank you all!


Now onto me:)

We had a wonderful Fallon Family Fun Day today at Water Country. It really was fun. I was not sure it was going to be because no one wanted to get out of bed and get moving, but we did and I am glad because despite getting a later start than we wanted and feeling kinda crummy(now feeling awful)we really enjoyed ourselves. It was nice to spend some time together away form the chores of home.

Now that we are home, I am lying here in bed feeling worse by the moment. Sore throat, achy body, fever just not good. My ears hurt and are itchy, ugg...I am tired, but cannot sleep. Pain meds are not working AT ALL!

I have so much to dish about in the political world, but I just feel to crummy tonight. You know how elections excited me and November is just around the corner, I get giddy just thinking about it, but it will have to wait!

A Thought or Three...

With a head of steam I rush into meditation and relaxation techniques, but like almost everything I do, I backed off. What I am trying to figure out is why. I was feeling so good and finally feeling like I had some control over my stress. Then, all at once I stopped. I stopped getting up in the morning a spending 15 mins of so meditating. I stopped reflecting on my day before bed and for what? It was certainly not because I was too busy in the morning or too tired at night. I think I am just being lazy. I have to believe that it is because i am being lazy because the only other answer it that I am unwilling to help myself feel better, and I refuse to admit that right now:)

I will start up again tomorrow. Hopefully I will stick it out!



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I know it drives my aunt crazy when I jump from subject to subject, but my mind is busy tonight and I have many thoughts to share:)
Today a very dear childhood friend of mine, delivered twins at 24 weeks 6 days. As I write this both babies are alive, but have a long road ahead as do their parents, big brother and extended family & friends. Please if you can, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. It would mean a great deal to me and I know it would to them as well.

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Before I leave and because I do not want to write another Blog tonight, I want to say that I am pretty sure that if I were Sarah Palin(and to be clear, I am so not a fan) tonight, I may in fact be smacking my daughter for humiliating me in front of the entire world!

I want to be clear that I have NO problem with Bristol & Levi working things out and thinkin' they want to get married, but how ungrateful a child are you to tell your mother via US Weekly? Because if you are really ready to "Stand-by-your-man" do it, but don't blindside your parents. I just found it to be highly disrespectful on the part of Bristol to do that.

So monsters of mine, let this serve as a warning to you, Feel free to stand-up for your beliefs, follow your heart, have an opinion that is not mine, forgive & move on, but know that it will not be long before I make you feel like the fool you just set me up as!

Blah

The weather has been icky the past few days and so has my mood. There are things to do around the house, but have NO Desire. The monsters are so tired and grouchy or maybe it is just me:) The days seem to just drag on with little productions and lots of tears.

I just offered up a quick run to the pool that was met with tears from one monster, a fit from another and one yes. Now of course I cannot find a way to make them all happy!

Ugg! More fighting! I guess I will go drown my depressed state in ice cream:)

When I Whistle.

When I whistle it is never good. I am not a good whistler. I cannot whistle a tune or whistle loud enough to call my kids. So, for me whistling has become something I do when I am anxious. Most of the time it takes someone to mention to me that I am whistling for me to stop or even notice it.

I feel like I have been whistling a lot lately. It was a good stretch of now whistling though. Months I would say. I wonder now if I had no anxiety during that time or if I found another annoying noise to make in place of my whistling:) Oddly enough, I notice that I have not been grinding my teeth much at night so maybe whistling is a better outlet, well for me, not so much for others.

Tomorrow I think I will try to whistle a Happy Tune and see if I can turn my whistle into a relaxation technique instead of nervous energy:) With that, I for warn you all to plug your ears as I attempt to whistle my happy tune!

What's Good?

Ya know what's good? Having a partner for the past 20 years that still "gets where you're coming from". That is right, 20 years. Last Friday, July 2, 2010, Ben and I celebrated 20 years together. I feel so fortunate to have had him in my life for so long. Through the past 20 years we have had ups and downs, but never have I thought he would not be there for me. And let me tell ya, the fact that he has made it through 20 years of ME, is amazing! He deserves some sort of award for that:)

I know that I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I jump from topic to topic, I am very stubborn, and I hold a grudge like nobody's business. That has not scared him off! He has always stuck by me. He is even willing, as he has proven again over the past two days, to allow me to be me and deal with things in my crazy, sometimes self destructive ways. And when I am done, he is always there to help me clean-up the mess. Most of the time with very little "I told you so's".

He doesn't even flinch anymore when I start bringing things up that happened 15 years ago when we fight:) He just goes with it. Sometimes with the same defensive, other time I swear he just changes his position to see what happens:) Nonetheless, after 20 years he is still with me to have the fight:)

It is an unbelievable reality to know that for the past 20 years of my life I have been with someone so perfect for me! Thanks Ben Fallon for being the best partner I could ever have! You Rock! I LOVE YOU!

It's Over

After several months of stress and contemplation, I left my position on the PTO Board effective today! What a weight to have lifted from my shoulders. I would like to say that I found it to be a experience a positive one, but I cannot. What I can say is that I am disappointed in the people I served with on the board. For the most part I never felt welcome by them, nor did I ever feel that change was something they were willing to entertain and with that as my main goal, it was not a good fit.

I would liken this experience to poking oneself in the eye with a sharp stick. It hurt, yet I was never smart enough to stop poking!LOL! How F*cking stupid am I! For months and months I sat there and made excuses, today I finally got-it! I now see that inviting me to the Board was a means to an end. A hope that I could be kept busy and under controlled, okay maybe not under controlled, but watched. Now I am done though.

Now that I am done I will focus on MY Monsters, my school work & my family. I have time to focus on the things that are really important for people that actually appreciate what I do and the time I put into making their lives better.

I will try now not to be the mean and vindictive bitch that I have been know to be. I am not sure how well that will work, but it was worth the thought:)

Truth & Peace?

I wish I could say all the things I want to, with no regard for others. No cares of how they will react. Too bad if they get angry or sad by what I say or write, it would be out of my brain and I could move on to other things. However, I still cannot bring myself to care so little about others to speak without regard for them no matter how freeing I may think it will be.

I recently read that when you are true with yourself and know your thoughts to be true, you should have no hesitation in speaking your thoughts, for if they are true you should feel peace when saying them. Thing is, I am not much luck with this. Oh, trust me when I tell you that I have been speaking my mind, but there is no peace to be found. I am managing to upset and anger many around me:) Maybe the people around me are not ready for the peace truth can bring!LOL! That is it! That is what I will go with.

So, here I go with honest and not hurtful; I very much enjoyed spending a few days with my nephew, Max who made me smile every time I picked him up. He made everything else leave my mind when he smiled. I wish life were always that good! I also appreciate my SIL driving down and suffering through a few restless nights so that I could see Max:)

I am happy that my kids got to spend time with their favorite playmate and cousin, Angie at the pool & the boardwalk. Thanks Billy & Kelly for that! And thanks to my in-laws for allowing us to completely trash their house for 5 days.

Ah, better already. Honest but not hurtful:)

Big Orange Ball & Other Stuff

I had a "moment" this weekend while visiting my in-laws at the Jersey Shore. I always want to love coming home, but with my parents gone, it feels less and less like home everytime I come. That is not to say that I do not consider myself a Jersey Girl through and through, just that I am a Jersey Girl that has had to relocate to Northern Virginia and is no longer "home" in NJ. I love the person NJ has made me, but now I have to carry that with me to my "home" In VA. But I digress, let me get back to my "moment".

Everytime I come to NJ, I swear I am going to set my alarm to get up and head to the beach to watch the sunrise, but I never do it. Well, almost never. This time I did! It is the first time in over 20 years that I have actually gotten out of bed and made it up there to watch. Now I cannot believe that it has been so long since I have seen it, I even went back a second time while in NJ!

And I know that I over analyze everything, and this is not going to be any different, but something really changed in me on Friday morning as I watched the sun being pulled from the horizon. I really felt that there something "new" starting in my life. I hope whatever it is will be as good as the sunrise that began it.